Slayers: The Magical Dances
by DevilsArcadia777
Summary: Lina and co. are down on their luck, but that might change when a sorcerer appears with the most bizarre offer in existence.  How will this turn out for our intrepid heroes?  The answer: strange.  Hilarity ensues.  Post Evo-R/novels.  Rating may change.
1. Chapter One by Lina

_**Slayers: The Magical Dances  
><strong>_

_By DevilsArcadia777_

**Story:** Hard times have fallen throughout the Old World and on our intrepid heroes. With all of them strapped for cash, valuables, and any hopes for a job, Lina and friends come face to face with an interesting fellow, giving them all an offer they can't(?) refuse: strip for money.

Hilarity (and drama) ensues.

**Rating: **T

**Disclaimer:** The _Slayers_ franchise belongs to Hajime Kanzaka, Rui Araizumi, TV Tokyo, etc. etc. etc….the list goes on forever…

_Hey! Don't be repulsed! This is purely for laughs. Given that I'm in a better mood, I felt that I needed to put "Break" on hold. This story will have plenty of drama to compliment also, but the angst dial is turned down this time. _

_This story will be told from varying perspectives, with each one changing every chapter. Given the nature of what's to come, the cast will go out-of-character at times.  
><em>

_This is set after both the fifth anime season and the last novel. Imagine that the rest of the books came after E-R, if you can._

* * *

><p><strong>ONE: Beware of the Heroes that Don't Do Anything (by Lina)<strong>

_Morning, somewhere between the boarders of Ralteague and Saillune_

Greetings, dear readers! If you have been following me up to this point, congratulations! You now possess, in the back of your mind, the greatest five years of history and the most epic tale ever written on paper! Who better to give you this honor than me, the beautiful and almighty sorceress Lina Inverse? Surely you, the reader, have never experienced such an honor before? It's not every day that a girl at the tender age of fifteen starts on a hunt for treasure and winds up smack dab in the middle of an ugly mess involving a psychotic priest, a magical stone that looked like a piece of coal, and the _living__ embodiment __of__ evil__ and__ despair _appearing, hell-bent to destroy the world. As if that wasn't enough, well…it's a long story. A really, _really,_ long story. But you obviously knew that, right? An epic story, truly for the books, woven by me.

Okay, I had _some _help.

Or a lot of help. From my five dear underlings (two whom are no longer with us, sadly). Or friends. Whatever.

Stop looking at me like that.

So, what more could possibly happen to us?

Given that the four of us have offed the Dark Lord twice, and Gourry and I alone have recently offed him a third time, I'm pretty sure that there's more to come…

But I digress.

It was a picturesque day, perfect for traveling on the road. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, Gourry has a rash, Amelia's on her time of the month, and Zel is currently suffering from a severe bout of diarrhea.

Hey! Don't be repulsed! It's just that shit happens when you stay in the woods a few days too long.

All right, given that I've been on the road since I was a tender thirteen, you figure that I should know what kinds of places in a forest that I shouldn't stay in. It's common knowledge that no one should eat the pretty little toxic berries that grow on the bushes, or that long ivy vines are poison ivy, or that eating the wrong seeds and roots can make you endlessly poo - ahh, sorry, bad image. Even I make mistakes, and because I _know _that I made them, I was able to survive our little bout in that particular forest of God-knows-what without any side effects. Too bad I can't say the same for my friends…

Hey, I'm not _that_ cruel!

Besides, it doesn't help that we only stayed there because we have absolutely no money. Damn you Amelia, for _accidentally_ forgetting to take the insignia of Saillune with you…

_Pushing, pushing, pushing…_

Yes, I probably left a sizable dent in the Saillune Royal Family's funds. There, happy now?

Anyway, it seems that Zelgadis, my chimeric companion, mixed with traits from a golem and a brau demon and once forced into berserker-slavery by his own great-grandfather – yep, definitely living the dream, that one – has actually obtained a legitimate lead for transforming his body. Lucky for him, old Rezo was wrong about reversing his transformation being a pipe dream. There's an old Holy Magic spell involved, and there might be some medical trickery necessary since chimeric transformations are so intricate. It's like the golem and the demon parts are mixed into those little things in his blood called blood cells and the like, understand? It's actually made him a bit more upbeat. He happened to stumble across Gourry and I, with the two of us having just returned from our short stay in Zephilia, my dear home kingdom.

That, my friends, is a story for another day. Press me on what happened, and I'll go berserk.

Amelia came to us shortly after, having just completed a diplomacy meeting on the coast with the Alliance of the Coastal States. Those there are a bunch of smaller kingdoms, duchies, and republics on the west coast of the continent that have united under one parliament system. The Taforashia Kingdom is among them, and it's doing quite well now.

Due to being fabulously broke, there was no way we could stay at an inn, so we decided to bond and rest in the forest, making Saillune Kingdom our destination. It seems that Zel kept his ties to Phil and the rest of the Royal Family and wants to ask the clergy there for assistance for the magical part of his cure. He told me that someone from the Outer World would need to do the medical stuff.

Whatever. But really, I'm glad for him. I think that there's real hope for him this time.

Amelia seemed happy too. Is it just my imagination, or does she seem…flustered around him at times? I've seen her blushing around him before, actually. Oh well.

It's been about a month and a half, and, quite frankly, we're all a little pissed off right now.

There I am, standing there patiently and holding my delicate little nose as Zel is spilling the bilges in a nearby bush. Poor Gourry's passed out from the stench, Amelia's keeled over from cramps, and I've chosen to keep tabs on how many times Zel swore during his, erm, "session."

"Er, are you done yet Zel?" I asked delicately. From the high bush behind me, a pair of icy violet eyes shot in my direction, filled with more bloodlust than any bandit I've ever encountered. It was violent enough to make my spine tingle. I'd be even more terrified if it weren't for the obscene noises his…derriere…was making.

"Does…it…_look__…_like…I'm…done…to…you…!" His punctured voice made me jump. All of a sudden, a louder sound came from him, and he cringed from pain.

"Aw, Fuuuck!"

That's the forty-seventh time he said that.

Keep in mind that White Magic won't help him, only some good old-fashioned herbs can, and we have none. Healing magic was all well and good, but using them on a wound that's possibly infected or really dirty might make the infection worse. The crap (a bad pun, I know) that Zel's going through right now is considered to be an infection, and I do _not_ want to think what would happen if we used magic on him…

"Fucking hell!"

Forty-eight.

"Mister Zelgadis, will you please stop cursing?" Amelia, now out of her bout of pain, pleaded weakly. I know that a woman's monthly issues aren't caused by sleeping in the woods, but getting them in them can suck. Trust me, it's happened to me once. That was when I met Zel, and you probably know the rest. Thankfully, Amelia doesn't get the bad mood swings, but her period instead consisted of terrible cramps. There was one time during our trip to the Outer World that she was stuck with Zel, and she was hurting bad. Poor guy was redder than a cherry.

"And why _should_ I, Amelia? Taking a massive _shit _in a _bush_ for _days_ isn't exactly my cup of tea."

Fifty-six uses of "shit" and rising.

"Ahh, sorry…"

"You should be!"

Another fifteen minutes later, Zel was finally done, and we kept on moving until Gourry spotted a lake nearby. If it were not for Zel's little problem, we'd be eating breakfast. Better late than never!

"And now that Zel's problem down south is done, let's fish!" I shouted as I grabbed a fish line from my mantle. I was able to make a speedy getaway before Zelgadis could strangle me, and with a worm from the earth and a flick of my wrist, the hunt for breakfast began.

"Gourry, can you be a dear and make a fire for us?" I asked ever-so-sweetly. Gourry timidly shuffled his foot and frowned.

"Uh, Gourry?"

"Lina…you do realize that we're in an open field, right?" He scratched between his thighs as discreetly as he could, much to Amelia's embarrassment.

I gazed at our surroundings. Nothing. Nothing but grass for miles around. Not a twig in sight. This charming little field was so empty that I could actually hear my own head pounding in anger. Damn you, Gourry. Damn you and your freakishly sharp observation skills. He could probably put a researcher to shame if he knew more about knowledge-y stuff. It didn't help that he had a rash between his legs. I mean, ew. Seriously.

"So much for fish," Zelgadis sighed. "There's no fruit trees or bushes nearby, not unless you count those poisonous berries in the woods."

"I don't' see any animals either," said Gourry. In response, his stomach grumbled. "Aww…" He then twitched, shoved his hands down his pants, and began scratching the rash faster. Amelia squealed and covered her eyes.

_Gourry, that's nasty! Thinking about his rash is making ME itch. I think I need a hot bath now…a scalding hot bath…_

"Gourry, you're acting obscene!" Zelgadis shouted, turning a frightened Amelia away. She looked like a danger-prone kitten, complete with mewing sounds and blobby big eyes.

"No more than you've been!" Gourry retorted. The moment he spoke, I heard Zel's stomach gurgle again. He's probably one of the smartest men I know, but his luck is outright abysmal. Go figure.

"Augh, shit!" With that, he ran back to his beloved bush, dropped his pants, and went off.

_I would really hate to be that bush right now._

Amelia, now recovered from seeing Gourry's rash from Hell, sighed sadly. "I think we should move on, guys." I turned around to see her holding a slew of puffer fish that my fishing rod caught. _Meep_. "Besides, it's not as if we can eat _these_ things!"

So it seems that the sole food source in this area is a school of poisonous fish. I think I'd rather suck face with a fish man; at least I won't die a slow and painful death. I think. Hopefully.

Desperate, I softened my face, attempting to conceal my rage. I took a worm from the ground, slowly put it in my mouth, and promptly projected it out. See how desperate we are?

Well, it can't get much worse, right?

* * *

><p>Dirt. Our open field was even emptier now. Nothing but dirt.<p>

This was supposed to be a meeting place for street merchants too, since we aren't too far from Saillune. I could've sworn that I saw a tumbleweed trotting down the road mocking us.

Cue the ominous clouds of doom, please.

Poor Amelia looked like she was about to cry, her face deformed and her eyes loaded with tears. "Oh no, it's worse than I thought…"

"What is?" I inquired.

Amelia looked as though a boulder crushed her, and I can assume that's probably how she was feeling. "This was why I went to the Costal States…the merchants from Ralteague that are normally here can't afford to go out here anymore. No one's buying, and the prices for things like silk and metal are going up." She sobbed a wee bit on the melodramatic side. "The parliament of the Costal States is in bad debt right now, and I went there to oversee an agreement involving Saillune and Elmekia helping out. Ralteague's in trouble, Kalmaart and Dils are too, and now if Saillune keeps overexerting its fortune, it might…waaah!" Amelia burst into tears. "I've never dealt with a recession before! I'm scared…"

I immediately shrunk back, with the ever-hated guilt sinking into my bones for frequently abusing Saillune's funds. Hey, I apologized before, right? And Amelia wasn't like other princess consorts, last time I checked. Knowing a man like Prince Phillionel, he wouldn't have her and Gracia (not that I knew her personally, mind) stand idly by with pretty dresses and a conspicuous lack of brains. I do give her credit for averting those, even if her ideals are a bit on the loopy side.

"If this keeps up, more merchants will close up shop, so that means no sales and no jobs for anyone," Amelia sighed. "Believe it or not, not a single assassin came after Daddy and I this time. I think that there are fewer mercenary jobs being offered too…"

A look of horror crossed Gourry's face. "N-n-n-n-n-n-no more m-m-m-m-m-mercenary jobs!" An equally as terrified Zel clung to him, and together they melted away in despair. I'm not feeling good about this either, but what's up with men and their machismo with being a mercenary? I can only assume that mercenary equals manly while soldier equals wuss, or something equally as stupid. Poor them. It's as if someone kicked them in the balls.

But damn Amelia, now I feel even _worse._ A small group of travelers equals potential mercenaries, and mercenaries equals we need to ask people for money. Mercenaries plus a life on the road equals high prices. If Amelia's correct, then I'd say that we're horribly screwed.

Then like that, a little white rabbit hopped along the path. Lucky! Cue the angels, would ya?

"Oh my God, food! Food!" Gourry shouted.

"At last…" like a good, sinister anti-hero, Zelgadis unsheathed his blade, quietly stalking the poor lagomorph.

_CRACK!_

_Okay, __this __sucks__…_I had to bite my lip to not burst out laughing. Zel's sword broke for no reason. None at all. It looks like it just blew up because it felt like pissing him off today, or because he had the craps. Either way, he was steaming.

"YOU PIECE OF SHIT!" He threw the broken blade on the ground and stomped his foot like a child. I almost lost it when he broke out into a temper tantrum. "It's not fair! IT'S! NOT! FAIR!"

_Wow._

"I shall avenge you, Zelgadis!" Like a complete moron, Gourry drew the Blast Sword and began charging the rabbit. I realized then that Gourry had no idea about the fact that rabbits were skittish little bastards, but then again, the man was a mercenary, so anything imposing him, whether it be Shabranigdo, Bandit McDumbass, or a cockroach, was asking for a death match.

"Haa! Take this!" He sneered as he stupidly threw his blade at the rabbit like a knife. He missed. Epically.

"Huh!"

And then I nearly fell over in disbelief. The rabbit began eating, _eating, _the damn thing! I don't believe it! I haven't been smoking leaves last time I checked. A damn rabbit is eating a magical sword…

_What a world we live in._

"No! Stop! Damn you!" Gourry began to sob as he snatched the blade away from the rabbit. The little bastard grinned and hopped off into the distance, only to be crushed by a falling tree seconds later. _Splat._

"My Blast Sword…my beloved Blast Sword…it looks terrible!" He gawked at the teeth marks the rabbit left behind. It was Zel and Amelia's turn to laugh.

It's times like these that I wish the jellyfish knew magic.

Every human in the world can at least cast a lighting spell, so surely he could, right?

Right?

Another tumbleweed blew through. I think that the Lord of Nightmares is laughing at us. _I __hate __you, __you __crazy __lady! _I screamed in my head as we continued our journey.

* * *

><p><em>Outside the Kingdom of Saillune<em>

The prosperous Holy Kingdom of Saillune, a land of marble and gems, of merchants and magic, of gaiety and merriment and justice. Saillune, where White Magic rules supreme. Saillune, home of one of the greatest and outright cutthroat royal families in existence.

Saillune, which now looks as though a damn hurricane went through it, destroying the gates that lead inside. Even with magic it would be tough to clear out all of the rubble, which, mind you, ranged from rocks to trees to a giant cow that looked like it was tossed by a tornado of doom.

Seriously, what is going _on_ today?

Wordlessly, Gourry and Zel began to remove the heavier rubble, while Amelia, saintly as she was, saved the critters trapped by the gate. There isn't a better cliche that I can think of than of than the slew of sparrows that flock around the darling ingenue, because that's what was happening to Amelia at the moment. Now all that she needed was to sing.

"Laaa...la-la-la-laaa...la la la la laa, la la laaaaa..."

_Speak of the devil..._

None of us had spoken a word. Silence is golden, I suppose. Gourry wasn't itching and Zel -

"Oh, god _dammit!"_

- never mind.

Right about time that the workload was winding down, I heard a snapping sound and a wail of pain. I rushed over to find Gourry with a small boulder over his leg. Yikes.

"Gourry!" Together Amelia and I moved the thing off. Oogh, yikes. Blood was oozing from his leg, and I could see some of the broken bones through the skin. A Recovery spell was on my lips, and it wasn't much, but I was able to at least fix the lacerations and a few bones. Hey, I'm not a shrine maiden, cut me some slack. But now there's a new problem: how can we get Gourry on the other side? He's the tallest of the group and quite heavy; I'd imagine he'd be heavier than Zel if the latter was a regular human being.

"Linaaa, it still huuurrrts..." Gourry whined as Amelia and I propped him up. "Can't you use a better spell?"

"Hey, I don't know Resurrection, Jellyfish."

"But what about Amelia?"

"Mister Gourry, I can't! It's...that time of the month..." She blushed and looked away.

"That time of the month, eh?" Gourry's eyes looked upward, as if he were pondering. "Wait, isn't that...the really special thing?"

_WHACK!_

Nailed 'em in the groin. Gourry, you're probably the only man who's ever made my heart flutter, but seriously, you're so _dense_.

"Lina, Lina, Lina, why are you so _sadistic?" _An ailing Zelgadis emerged from the bushes, brushing some dirt off of the back of his tunic.

"Oh, you're one to talk."

Zelgadis grunted and turned away.

Amelia smiled softly and suggested, "Miss Lina, I think that the only way we can get around now without dragging Mister Gourry in the dirt is to ask for a cart ride. Even with this part of the kingdom being worn down, I'm sure that someone will pass by." I wrinkled my nose and sighed.

"It's barren, Amelia. Let's drag him." Sorry Gourry. I feel bad about it, but given that we're being laughed at by she-who-I-recently-mentioned-and-will-not-name-again, there's no other choice. I grabbed his long yellow locks and began to drag him through the dirt, being persistent as he flailed and got dirt up his nose. Hard to believe that someone with delicate feet and willowy arms could drag a muscular man, huh?

"Miss Lina!"

I spun around, accidentally kicking Gourry's head. As a sizable bump grew, Amelia was flailing her arms about, calling out to a wandering horse-drawn cart full of hay. I tossed my swordsman companion aside and tossed a sizable fireball toward the cart as a signal. He snapped the reins and dashed off. Guess I sent the wrong message.

"Miss Lina, you could've killed that innocent man!" Amelia squealed. I sighed.

"Why didn't you just walk up to him, Amelia?" It makes sense, right?

"I...didn't want to get run over..."

"Hmm..."

Since Gourry was hurting, and Zel was letting loose again (with his use of "shit" rising up to sixty), Amelia and I took it upon ourselves to attract a driver. Since we were so desperate, I wasn't all that fazed by a goblin driver who had a sack of women's bloomers waving in the wind on a pole. Probably should've been, but hey, what can you do? Unfortunately, calling out wasn't working.

_Heeere, cart cart cart..._

_Heeeeeeere, cart cart cart cart..._

_HEEERE, STUPID #$%& TURD! GET OVER HERE!_

Nothing. Ugh.

_Unless...oh!_

A grand and insane plan was brewing in my mind...something that would _definitely_ bring me a driver. And my friends will hate me for it, but as a dumb blonde swordsman once said, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. Or woman. Or men who dress as women. Or...oh, forget it.

"Amelia..." I whispered menacingly. She turned to me, and seeing my deliciously menacing smile, she yipped.

"M-M-M-Miss Lina? You're making that face again, and I don't like it..."

Okay, let's set this straight. You all know now that my chest is like a washboard, while my princess companion has a set as big as a pair of melons, right? And yet, no man will give me, peaches and cream skin and willowy figure and all, the time of day. My princess friend has a much more appealing figure than I. No matter what may be, I will envy her for it. As time passed, I realized that my princess friend was more the modest type - in swimwear or in certain outfits, she'd hunch over for a while before opening up. During our trip on the cruise liner with Pokota, there was a pool built in we could use. I made her wear a white two piece, and she shrunk in like a turtle in its shell for a while. She was pink in the face, and now that I recall, I think that Zel was, too. I think that she needs...a _confidence booster. _Let's call it that. Eh heh heh...

Please, we're desperate. Don't hate me for this.

"Stand still, Amelia." In the blink of an eye, I sped behind her. Seeing a man driving a full blown stagecoach approaching, I clamped a hold on Amelia and ripped off her belt.

"Miss Lina-!"

From the corner of my eye, I saw Zel and Gourry come to me. Oh, dear God. Zel rubbed his eye in confusion. "Lina, what are you-"

_Fluuufp!_

"Hey, mister!" I shouted as I yanked Amelia's shirt up. With great force, I could see her breasts pop out from beneath the fabric, complete with her screaming. Zelgadis' eyes popped from his sockets as his face blazed into a deep crimson.

"Holy shit!"

"MISS LINAAA?"

The stagecoach came up to us. In order, he glanced at us, saw Amelia's breasts, popped his eyes out of his socket, and screamed. "Oh my Gaw-"

_CRASH!_

The intrepid driver crashed right into the ravine, eyes still bulging as if he were being strangled. Soon enough, another driver passed us. "Amelia, perk up!" I shouted as I shook her body. At the sight of Amelia's bodacious, bouncing breasts (no, of course I'm not jealous of them, silly...), this second driver shouted and landed face-first into a tree. His horse flew, quite literally, into the ravine and wound up crushing the driver before him. I laughed. Yes, it's funny. "Come, please help us!" I called out, stifling a giggle as I swung Amelia around. The next driver was speeding toward us. "Come, come!" I could see waterfall tears pouring from Amelia's eyes, ranting about the injustice and unfairness of it all. Oh Amelia, don't you know me better by now? I will do anything for our sake, and since it seems that you have no idea how well-endowed you are for your age, I must show you myself, and the hard way. Have faith in me.

"Miss Lina, stop it!"

Three more drivers came our way. They all looked at Amelia at the same time, I heard one of them shouting "hot damn!", and then the three of them smooshed together. I saw the first two collapse on one another, while the third catapulted into the ravine. One of the guys had his rear chewed off by the other man's horse, leaving behind a bloody stump. Within seconds, ten more coaches came our way! Cue wash, rinse, and repeat!

"The hell?" One shouted before being catapulted into a hole hosting a pack of wild boars. The other nine all crashed into the ravine in spectacular fashion, all because of Amelia.

My god.

Before us was a sixteen-coach pileup, and all of them were sporting the ever-fashionable crimson flushed face, nosebleed, and the occasional woody. I couldn't help but feel a little jealous at my friend who I took advantage of...hey, hey! No funny looks, buddy! I did what I had to do! Hey, so what if it didn't work?

I could see Zel struggling on keeping his gaze off Amelia's bust line and on anything else of interest. He was gawking, seriously! I don't believe it! It's as if he'd never seen a woman's body before, or rarely at the most. Hey, look, there's saliva dripping from his mouth!

Gourry blinked and gazed at the pileup before him. He spoke succinctly: "I...have no comment."

Realizing this failure of epic proportions on the drivers' part, I chortled happily and let Amelia go. I saw her and immediately shut up.

"Miss Lina, you're just rotten.." Amelia sniffled. I was about to retort until I saw her glare at me. It wasn't your typical glare, either. It was the closest thing to the evil eye that a girl like Amelia could've given me. She finally got her shirt down and her belt back. I stood there, unable to speak, as she stomped toward a coach that had managed to survive the ordeal. It was beaten a bit in the front, but the wheels were intact, so we just needed something to pull it. Since our strongest was hurt, we needed something else. Amelia got the picture, and she nudged Zelgadis for something. He seemed to get the hint and snapped out of his daze. My ears could pick up his spell.

_You, who controls the origins,_

_who must come, who must go,_

_You all, break the chain,_

_obey my will and deed;_

_Come before me, my sworn friend!_

_Vol Ga Dooga!_

I saw wisps of dark orange flames stirring around nearby. Like bubbling water, almost, the wisps came together and bubbled, and in its place materialized what appeared to be a black dog. It growled and barked, tensing its muscles as if ready to strike. It struck me surprised, for sure, when I saw Zel asserting his authority over it calmly and sternly. Who knew that a Garm could heed commands such as "stay!" and "no!" That was what Zel said...

It's been a while since I've had one of Pretty Miss Lina's Magic Lessons, huh? Well, first off, Zelgadis' summoning spell was, in fact, Black Magic. All summoning spells are, actually, along with certain attacks and the spells that draw from the five Dark Lords. There's _Ferrous Bleed_ if you want a gargoyle, _Gaia Graze _if you want a brass demon, _Vun Ga Ru__im _for shadow beasts, and _Necro Vood _if you like zombies (and why would you? They're gross). _Vol Ga Dooga_ in particular summons a Garm. What is a Garm, you ask? This lovely creature looks like a monstrous dog that's about the size of a small cow, and they dwell near the endearingly-popular Desert of Destruction. They aren't as powerful as their demonic brothers from the other spells I mentioned, but I guess if you need something moved, I recommend this spell for you. Okay, end lesson.

"We're leaving, Miss Lina." Amelia gestured toward the stagecoach. Gourry was now safe inside, the Garm was reined in the front, and Zel was to serve as the cabbie. We slowly got in, and Zel lashed the reins to make the coach go forward toward Saillune. Oh, joy, we have an awkward and tense silenc_e  
><em>before us now. Gourry was still wincing in pain, Amelia looked pissed, and Zel's face was still tinted with pink. His eyes were still wide, and I sensed that the image of large breasts still lingered in his head.

I hope that you're enjoying my state of regret.

I swore, though, that somewhere, on the astral side, I heard a particular purple pageboy-haired _Mazoku _laughing his ass off.

* * *

><p>The Holy Kingdom of Saillune, which, despite it being early afternoon, looks rather desolate...<p>

Okay, inaccurate. There are people out and about, but few of the open-air markets are actually open and selling, namely any pertaining to jewelery and food (as Amelia predicted), and I could see a few people down on their luck hanging around. Saillune was abnormally good at giving those less fortunate all the adequate stuff, and there were only a few major slums throughout the entire place. I love children, and let me tell you, I hate seeing them beg. It's heartbreaking...

A little girl ran up to Zelgadis and tugged his mantle. "Excuse me..."

She had wavy auburn hair and eyes to match, light olive skin, and wore nothing but a short apple green tunic with short sleeves. Judging by her appearance, she looked to be around eight. Following her was a very reddish colored cat. Zel turned to her and saw this beaten girl hold out her hands for alms. "Please...?"

I figured that I would have to nail Zel on the head for being an inconsiderate jerk, but instead, he smiled softly at the girl and reached inside the pocket space in his cloak. Into her hands he gave her a tiny sack of a few silvers and coppers, a small wedge of some kind of cow's cheese, and bread he had bought earlier in the morning.

"Ah, take this too." My jaw dropped when I saw him give her his fish line. He bent over and patted her head. "Use it well."

"T-thank you, sir..." The poor girl was flustered. I couldn't tell if it was out of modesty and gratefulness, or if it was because of Zel's looks. Mind you, Zelgadis was Amelia's escort and bodyguard for a while, and she and Phil are pretty tolerant people. Phil's an odd man, but if it wasn't for him, we'd have little _positive _recognition in any other kingdom in the Old World. It's pretty nice to see this young girl see beyond Zel's bizarre looks, but it's even nicer to see Zel act like a decent man. I guess that he secretly likes children too?

I would tell you that I'm also a decent person, but you wouldn't believe me...

"H-Have a good day." The girl bowed and hurried off, followed by her fuzzball of a cat. Amelia sighed.

"Believe me when I say this, guys. In the main capital, at least, we don't have a lot of beggars, and we certainly don't get any children begging on the street," said Amelia, who was still looking at the girl. "Look at her outfit...it's terrible..."

I could tell that she was genuinely desperate, because no sermon of justice was spewing from her mouth. In that single moment in time, I was, for once, grateful to not be a royal. Having the _wealth _of a royal though, well, that's a different story, folks. At that, I felt my poor stomach rumble.

"Ahh, let's find somewhere to eat! I'm still hungry!" My eyes shot open at the sentiment of the girl. "Well, ah...let's go where we can, and be grateful..."

Gourry softly smiled at me. "Hey, I mean it!" I retorted. He ruffled my hair, just as he did when we first met. I was a tender fifteen back then, but seriously? Now? Really?

But, still, he's my protector, nothing less, and probably a lot more. I will admit, I was a bit surprised when I learned that he was a good seven years my senior, but that doesn't matter with the man you...you...

You...you..._*croak!*_

* * *

><p>There is no food in this restaurant.<p>

There is _no_ food in this restaurant.

There is no _food _in this restaurant.

There is no food _in this restaurant._

There. Is. No. Food. In. This. Restaurant.

None.

Nada.

Nothing.

WHY!

A local dive in the central part of town was as barren as a damned dirt plain. In front of us was their sole offering, a fizzy pink drink that smelled like piss. I wouldn't jump off a cliff if I was forced to drink it. All of their regular items were apparently not being sold, although, judging from the loud animal squealing and the frightful yelp from Amelia, the chefs were scrimping for whatever they could find. I doubt that the _weasel confit_ special would catch on anytime soon. From the corner of his eyes, I saw a sweat-drop fall from Zel's face when another chef stalked a poisonous snake on the wall and caught it with a net, carrying it off and putting it in a pot. Amelia's face turned green.

_I'm so hungry..._

"I'm not hungry anymore, Lina. Let's get outta here," Gourry sighed. I glanced over my shoulder and looked back to realize that we had all escaped in time as the chefs toasted with those pink drinks. One of them puked out what appeared to be a fishman's embryo -

_*WHAM!*_

"Sorry, morons!" A bandit whizzed passed me, slamming my back into the restaurant wall. For a moment, the air was winded from me.

"Lina!"

I could see Gourry trying to help me up. My fine eyebrow raised at his gawking. "Gourry? You'll catch flies."

"Lina! All of your jewel thingies...they're gone!"

"Eh?" I glanced left and right..._Oh no...oh, no no no...no..._

All of my precious amulets...gone...that bandit...he stole all of them...the two on my shoulder pads, my earrings, my belt, and the bastard even took my short sword. Somehow - I can only assume it was because he was a lowly bandit and I a great sorceress and the heroine of this story - my Demon's Blood Talismans were safe and sound. Still, I worked hard to buy the gems I bought and did the same for the ones I made.

"Ahhh! I can't believe that a _bandit _was able to steal from me..." I wanted to rip my hair out. A bandit. The one being even _lower _on the totem pole than a minnow...

Zel rubbed his head. "This is not good..."

Amelia anxiously smiled at us. "W-well...I'll let all of you stay at the palace toni -"

_*WHAM!*_

"Suckers!"

Ohh, it's on now! That same bandit crashed into Amelia this time! Amelia's two bracelets and that fluffy thingy with the two gems attached to it were stolen. Before he began a third arson charge (for what I can only assume is that one cheap-looking gem that holds Zel's cloak together), Zel rang him up by the neck and strangled him, taking back Amelia's bracelets. Unfortunately, with the ever-dreaded groin attack, the bandit was dropped and got away. Thanks a lot, Zel.

"FUCK!"

Ah, sorry, I lost count...

* * *

><p><em>One week later...<em>

Hey, hey...reader? Are you still there?

I imagine by now that you may be sick of reading on how hard our luck has become, but believe me when I say this. Our luck is sucking right now because the local economy sucks, the local economy sucks because the idiots who run the Coastal States are idiots, the Costal State people are idiots because they're...well, idiots, Saillune is in danger right now because the economy sucks, the _palace _is in disrepair because Christopher, Amelia's uncle, is a moron and can't _do _anything, Prince _Useless _is gone because...well, you should know Phil by now, but according to Amelia his beloved white steed died and a massive funeral service was being held for it. Well, if for nothing else, Amelia's magic is back, Zel's...okay...and Gourry's rash is gone. Oh, and somehow, Christopher screwed up and destroyed the building and resources for the Council's Department of Public Services and Jobs, so there are even _more _people out of work now. Bandits are crawling out of the woodwork, but there's no money to spend, so no one's hiring to kill them, whether it be regular services or freelancers.

But it's a beautiful day today!

_Screw my life..._

Speaking of bandits, we never found the ass who stole my jewelery. Oh, joy.

The guest apartments were facing an insect infestation (the same insects we discovered in Saillune's sewers, might I add), so Amelia allowed me to sleep in her room, while Zel and Gourry had to hole up with Christopher. I glanced over at Amelia, who emerged from her garderobe in a mint green dress with long sleeves, a square-cut neckline, and a yellow slip beneath it. I could see a small tear in the slip.

"No offense, Amelia," I began. "But that dress of yours looks a bit torn up." It was still a good dress, but probably wouldn't look good on me because of my hair...

Amelia stiffened. "I know. Most of my dresses are worn in. I didn't want to wear my pink dress again for a while." I'm surprised at the fact that she forgave me for using her the way I did. Or maybe she didn't, I can't tell.

"Why are you dolled up, anyway?"

"Uncle Christopher says that we have a visitor. He's apparently a highly respected sorcerer and merchant, and he wants a royal warrant.*"

"In this economy?"

"It all depends. Uncle Christopher might as well give it to him, even though our funds are down. I don't know what services he'll offer though." She spun around and began to brush her hair when a small tear ripped in her arm. "Ohh, dammit!"

"You sure you don't want the pink thing?"

"Gah! If only my stupid handmaidens let me fix up my own clothes...they can't sew for their lives, Miss Lina. Every time something rips, I offer to fix it. But _nooo, _heaven forbid if I _prick my finger _and _scar __it forever, _or I get _calluses _on my _delicate hands, _or I _TIRE OUT! _From _sewing! _Because sewing is so _unfit for a woman of __my status! _I might as well _break my neck trying to put my own jew__elery on!" _

Yikes. I knew Amelia didn't like playing the hapless princess, but this was scary.

"Get this, Miss Lina. I have scar tissue left over from our fight with Saygram and Gaav, right?" I nodded as she dropped her dress a bit. It was true; I could see a reddish, jagged scar traced on her mid back. It formed something of a star shape on her lower spine. "Well, let me tell you..." Her face tinged pink. "I know I was caught off guard, but...I'm kinda proud of that scar...I think that it makes me look tough. Like a just hero's scar, you know?"

"Uh, sure." _Go figure..._

"Well, a maid of mine saw it one night. She screamed as if someone was going to burn her, and then she had the nerve to throw me in the bath and scrub me to death with a pumice stone and ten gallons of some oil that smelled like rat poop." Her expression changed to that of a whiny, docile maid who looked like she was too dumb to live. "Oh, Your Highness, Princess Amelia!" She squealed in a mocking tone. "That scar is marring your beautiful, marble skin! You'll never be find a suitor and be cherished if you have it! We must obliterate this disease at once!"

My mouth dropped. "She actually said that?"

"Word for word. It actually wasn't that red when Mister Milgazia finished healing me. All of that scrubbing made it worse. Since when is a battle scar a _disease?" _

That blaze. It was in her eyes. The same blaze that flared when a sermon of justice was bubbling in her mind. I cringed.

"To take an honorable mark from the throes of battle and deem it a sickness is rotten and evil! It takes the notion of just and honorable sacrifices and hard work and sullies them! For the sake of justice and those who struggle and fight for it, bearing those scars of battle day after day..."

_Hey, that actually makes sense...wait, what am I saying?_

A glint of rage shone in Amelia's eyes as she grabbed a massive tome. "...the next time I see that rotten woman...I'll _RING HER NECK...AND EAT IT!" _

I think that Amelia would have given a werewolf or a banshee a run for its money when she shrieked and _RIPPED THAT MASSIVE TOME IN HALF. _I'm officially scared now...

"Princess Amelia!" A guardsman called from outside.

"_WHAT!"_

"Ah...Prince Christopher requests your appearance...o-o-our guest is here...h-here..."

Amelia sighed sadly. "I can't fix my dress...hmm. Well, feel free to take something from my closet while your clothes are drying, Miss Lina. Will you come down with me?"

"Sure, sure. I don't have anything better to do anyway." And with that, she was gone. I turned to her closet and pulled out a modest purple dress. It was a bit shorter and more casual looking than the others, so I could move around easily. I glanced outside to check on my clothes, only to notice that, during the washing process, they had turned orange.

_Don't blow anything up Lina, don't do it, don't do it, don't do it..._

* * *

><p>Amelia and Christopher were already in the Great Hall by the time I hurried down. To alleviate my rage, I cleverly pented it by punching the moat. It worked...a bit too well, actually. I swore not to destroy anything, and now a chunk of the castle moat is missing. And I'm tired.<p>

"Hah, hah, hah, sorry..."

"Well well well, what has you in a tizzy, young lady?"

I froze. My eyes turned up to what appeared to be the sorcerer-merchant. It was an old man's voice, but it was also a deep, soothing bass. The merchant in question was massive, taller than Gourry practically, with tanned skin. Muscles gained from the harshest of training bulged all over from him, and they, along with the rest of his body, were dotted with scars. His hair and long beard were colored like snow, reaching to a small widow's peak on his forehead. His face was haggard-looking, with one of his hazel eyes scarred and permanently shut. A tiny pair of spectacles rested on his nose. What baffled me, though, were those robes: green as emeralds, lined with silk and gold, and more precious amulets and gems than I had ever seen. His bearings, his clothes, and his own aura were that of a man who had made an income of one backed up by six or seven zeroes. In gold coins. I could sense his powers as well, and it made me feel like a bug, kinda like when I met Gourry for the first time, know what I mean? Anyway, something tells me that while he's the wise, cryptic sage type, he also may be used to getting his own way.

But for an old guy who looked like he was thrown in an oven and butchered, he was quite a looker.

"Ahh...he-hello, sir, err, mister..."

The man bowed at me, almost whacking his square chin on my head. "Hello, miss. Are you the woman His Highness calls Lina Inverse?"

I shuddered. "Y-Yes..."

He nodded, then acknowledged Amelia. "And Her Royal Highness, Princess Amelia." Amelia fidgeted. "I must say that I am grateful for your patronage. I am aware that Saillune and the Royal Family are falling on rough times, but please know that I will do my best to serve you and my regular customers."

"O-of course..."

Christopher, clueless as ever, gestured toward the spacious red room adjacent to us. "Mister Graon will be offering a multitude of services to us from his trade shop, including water for the baths and foods for our meals. Otherwise, he actually wishes to speak to you, Amelia."

"Me?"

"Ahem..." This man named Graon cleared his throat. "Princess, I am aware that you have two other companions who are with you. Can you summon them to our meeting, please?"

"They're in the bath right now. May I call them later?"

"Of course. Please, leave us leave."

_"Leave us leave?" Really?_

* * *

><p>The Red Room was considered to be the lounge area of the palace's first floor, as Amelia had explained to me once. The man offered us this really nice-looking tea on this lovely silver platter, both of which came from his trade store; the pure silver and porcelain cups proved my six-or-seven zeroes assumption of him to be true. At least the subtle tracings of dragons in both signified good taste...<p>

So his name is Graon...

_Wait...Graon? As in..._

The old man cleared his throat and smiled. "Allow me to formally introduce myself. I have been the owner of a successful department and trade store for five years now, but before that I was a sage. I had devoted my life to the study and research of White Magic and its origins, and I also served the people as a cleric and a soldier. Have you ever heard of a book called _The Path of the Right Hand,** _ladies?"

Amelia shot up. "Yes! That tome on White Magic...every mystery about it solved! We have it in our library, and it's helped us tremendously. Who would've thought that it was a form of Astral Shamanism?** Either way, well, I...wait...were you the one who wrote it, sir?" Amelia blushed. The man nodded his head, and this proved my theory true.

"Then..." I nearly fainted. "You're one of the Five Wise Men...you're Luo Graon, aren't you?" This is too strange. The reason? "I...I think I've met you before..."**

He smirked. "The one and only." He rested his steely, sagely gaze on me, easily turning my spine into mush. "I do recall that our paths have crossed years ago, Miss Inverse."

"Miss Lina! Is that true?" Amelia grabbed me frantically. Hey, take it easy!

"I remember now...I remember seeing him when I was thirteen..."

Let me clear this up for you, in addition to the perky princess next to me. Like Rezo the Red Priest, Luo Graon is considered to be one Five Great Sages of this age. He's studied White Magic and its intricacies, and also served the people - without any ulterior motives, I assume. He's also one of the only sages who also studied swordplay. Most of the mysteries of White Magic are solved thanks to him. Given that he's obtained his life's goal, though, I guess he got bored and became a tradesman. That's an interesting career switch, huh? He doesn't even loo-

_Wait..._

"Y-You're the real thing, right? The real Luo Graon?" I approached him, subtly mind you, and gazed at him. "Last time I checked, Luo Graon was three-foot nothing with massive eyebrows and a head shaped like a walnut! You're..._not!"_

The old fart burst out laughing, damn him. "I figured that you would say that! Well, here's a secret for you, Miss Inverse. The man you're looking at now is, truly, the one and only Luo Graon. That miniature hunchback man was a disguise of my own design."

"D-Disguise?"

"Well, how else was I supposed to deceive those who fought me?"

_Well, you're freakishly ripped for one thing, so I think intimidation would've worked fine._

"And...oh, this is embarrassing..." The man blushed. No, really. "I was...fawned over by the ladies, ever since I entered manhood. With that disguise, they would be repulsed by my appearance, and I could keep on working without breaking my vows."

_What IS it with women falling for clergymen? You could say the same thing about those guys who have a fetish for nuns. I can only assume that it's the mystery of it all. Or it's probably the "forbidden fruit" BS. It's just people wanting something they can't have. Still though, I'm surprised that this guy kept his vows._

Luo cleared his throat and continued. "But enough about me. I have a very special job offer for you, Miss Inverse, as well as you, Princess. Your two male friends are also allowed to participate."

"A job offer?" Hooray! As long as his rules aren't stagnant or anything, I'm down with this! A job means something to do, and a job also means money! And money from a wealthy merchant like him means _good _money.

"Yes...a very..._special _job..." I glanced at his face. His one good eye glinted with...something conniving.

_Wait._

The doubt struck me like thunder when I saw that old man fish out what appeared to be a sketch pad. What was inside made my stomach churn: it was me. More specifically, they were drawings of me in various poses. Very, very _intricate _various poses. Emphasizing me, or rather, various parts of my body. Oh sure, they were well done, but this just _oozes _with creepy.

"I have an offer for all of you, and I doubt that you can refuse it," he said a bit too graciously. "Let me tell you both that I admire you and your male companions. All of you interest me more than any other has before."

I gulped. "O...kay..."

"Please forgive me for being so blunt...I shall tell you right now that I admire those figures of yours, ladies. It is clear to me that you take care of yourselves. And...they're quite distinct."

"Just what is _THAT_ supposed to mean, you pervert!" Amelia shrieked. Footsteps thundered down the hall, and low and behold, Gourry and Zelgadis appeared to save us!

In nothing but towels! God, couldn't they have gotten dressed first? The two of us were screaming, and believe me when I say that our faces were like tomatoes.

"Lina! Amelia! Where did he touch you guys?" Gourry projected, brandishing a giant steak knife. An exceptionally pissed off Zelgadis sped forward and held Luo Graon at freaking _gun point. _Apparently he decided to hoard a few of Jillas' guns from the Outer World. _Hoo boy._

"Hey, hey, hey!" Even surprised the old man kept his composure. "Please, please, put the gun away and sit, Mister Graywords."

"How do you know my name!"

"I know about all four of you. You've all made a reputation for yourselves. Knowing what you've done, didn't you once consider that recognition was inevitable?"

Zel hissed and sat down. I saw a still-tomato-faced Amelia scanning her eyes over his lithe body.

"Now then, I know my previous statement seems a bit uncouth, but hear me out. I have chosen the four of you for this special task for several reasons. First and foremost, I am aware of your actions...heroic you are not, but the lengths you all have gone to save our world is greater than anyone can imagine. I admire you for that. Truly, you all make the human race proud."

He's really pushing this, but damn, that's quite a compliment. "Glad we could help," said I.

"R-Really? I-I wouldn't say that..." Amelia twiddled her fingers and blushed, a tiny smile on her face.

"Daww, thanks!" Gourry rubbed his head in his oh-so-nonchalant manner.

Zelgadis said nothing, but I saw a small smile flash on his face.

"Secondly, as I said before, you all look quite stunning. I can't help but love your willowy figure, Miss Inverse, or your curvier one, Princess Amelia. There's also your slight frame, Mister Graywords, and your muscular, Mister Gabriev. It's admirable to see you take care of yourselves."

Pang! Panic struck us. Zel's finger was twitching, trying to resist reaching for the gun.

"And finally, I have noticed that all of you have had bumps in your pasts, yet you all came together and became the best of friends. It's very touching."

_Okay...this is weird..._

"Which is where my offer comes in." We all audibly gulped. "I want all four of you to...dance for me."

Silence.

"Eheh, sir?" I piped in. "I don't dance. I'm sure that no one else here does either." Everyone else nodded their heads in agreement.

"No, no, I mean...a _dancer." _He raised his two brows, which didn't totally match his sage-like gaze. I still don't get it...

"And I said that we can't dance." I glanced over at Amelia, who, unlike me, was terrified. She let out a warbled sound before yelping.

"I think he means he wants us to be strippers, Miss Lina!"

* * *

><p><em>To Be Continued...<em>

* * *

><p>* A royal warrant and patronage is the allowance of a service to serve and provide for a royal family or distinguished nobles in addition to regular people.<p>

** The right hand path refers to a philosophy rooted in Western Esoteric Tradition, and it usually involves occultism. The right-hand path refers to groups that follow social norms, follow a specific code of conduct, and divide the concept of mind, body, and spirit into three different entities. This same group also practices with White, or "good", magic. The left-hand path rejects status quo, questions moral dogma, and incorporate sexuality and intercourse into rituals as opposed to the aforementioned three entities. As one would guess, they utilize Black Magic, and the left hand image is associated with the ill reputation it has in Christianity.

** Luo Graon is the other confirmed "Wise Man of the Age"/"Great Sage." He appeared in the sixth _Slayers Special _novel. In the same book, according to Hajime Kanzaka, White Magic is rooted in Astral Shamanistic Magic as opposed to being an imitation of Holy Magic.


	2. Chapter Two by Lina, Zelgadis, Amelia

**TWO: Why us? Fate Hates Us, I Tell You…(by Lina)**

Strippers.

Strippers. People who remove their clothes in public are strippers. People who get meager coins thrown at them are strippers. People who get hoots and whistles from shrieking women and pea-brained men are strippers. People who are subjugated to every whimsical fetish and fantasy, ranging from body shapes to feet to underwear to _hairy__ armpits_ are strippers, courtesy of particularly horny little bastards who can't get dates.

People with _no __livelihood__ to__ live__ on _are strippers.

As of now, _we _have no livelihood, we're desperate, and, and…we have the bodies to qualify. Luo's words, _not_ mine!

Surely, my companions agree. Damn, was I right.

Amelia looked like she was gonna cry, Zel's right eyelid was _violently _twitching, and Gourry's face...was blank. That is _not _a good sign.

This is ludicrous! Laughable! Removing our clothes to the bare essentials, or even more! And this great sage is the one proposing it. That just makes it even _worse! _I guess that I was waaay wrong about assuming that he kept his vows.

"The princess has spoken true," the bastard began, still smiling. If I had a noose and could ring his neck right now, ohh, I would do it. "I want the four of you to work for me. I have my many followers and loyal customers at the store to please, and I have found success with my other dancers."

"You mean you've done this before!" Zel shrieked. Gourry keeled over from the volume.

"Indeed. Running my store is getting expensive, but you needn't worry. My dancers are well-paid, and I can assure the same for the four of you."

Yeah, right! "Well guess what! There is no way, _in Hell, _that we're dancing for you, dammit! I don't care if you were freaking _Shabranigdo _himself and you asked us to dance! This is a crock of shit!"

"No kidding!" Amelia retorted, righteous fury blazing in her eyes. "I...understand that men have their needs, but...exploiting such intimate acts, which should be reserved for men and women who are in love and about to express that love beneath the blanket...dancing like this is only for the eyes of those lovers, in order to fulfill their desires and arouse their loins..."

"Amelia, do you even know what you're saying?" Zelgadis shouted. Guess he assumed that the girl with the health/priestess training didn't know what a man's ding-dong looked like.

"...you, Mister Luo Graon, are absolutely rotten! I will see to it that your soul is purged from such an impure place!"

_Ohh, Amelia...why?_

Amelia then walked up to him. She took his beef tenderloin of an arm and started to break it. No, seriously, I heard bones cracking!

"I'LL START THAT PURGING BY SNAPPING YOUR ARM OFF! PURGE! PURGE! PURGE!" Amelia screamed as Luo screeched in pain. Zelgadis jumped in on the bandwagon and went after his neck.

"Purge! Purge, dammit, purge!" Luo nearly passed out when Zel raised the volume of his voice. Right into his ear.

Gourry was still stone-faced. _Gourry, what the hell? Surely you aren't as stupid enough to not know this? I mean, he is twenty-six...surely, he..."_

I needed to clear this, now. "I think that, if you don't want anything broken or hemorraging, Mister Luo Graon, then I think that you should know that all four of us are declining your offer. There is no way, _in hell, _sir, that we are getting naked for a copper, thankyouverymuch." *Cough.*

Luo's face was turning purple, and his arm was half-mangled. "Iiii wuuu be murr den a...ah...a c-haack! Ch-copper..."

_Is this man deaf?_

"No means no, idiot! No matter what price you set..."

_***WHUMPF***_

Before my eyes laid Amelia and Zel, now with massive bumps on their head. Maybe calling him an idiot was a huge mistake? Oh, dear...

"I am prepared to give you a million gold pieces per dance!"

...

...

...

Twitching.

_"A...a...mi...mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-million?"_

He...can't be serious...

A million gold pieces if the four of us all get naked?

The man recomposed himself, casting a healing spell on his arm. "A million gold pieces. And nay, that isn't to split between the four of you. No, I am willing to offer a million gold pieces to _each _of you to dance."

"...e...e...e...each? In _gold?_ You can't be serious..."

Luo furrowed his large brow, presenting to us his determined seriousness and desire to see this through. "I am."

A million gold...for your education, my friend. If you were to operate a wine vineyard in Zephilia, like many do there, the average cost to operate it, plus the cost of all the equipment you need, can reach up to seven-hundred thousand gold. That doesn't include the cost of the real estate either. _Four million _gold would rope in a furnished mansion with a decent amount of land over it, and maybe a few servants. Four million would also buy out just about every single tavern and eatery in the Old World. Imagine, barrels and barrels of sausages, salamis, smoked hams, beef, steak as large as a tree! Cheeses, fruit, pastas of all kinds, cakes, bread, and butter, all under _MY _hand. Mine and mine alone, and they'd be in gold-linen barrels in the parlor of my mansion, seated in a beautiful valley by a stream that would fertilize the fine soil of my own wine vineyard...and we'd grow hops for beer too, and grain for some vodka...maybe I'll get a horse, too...and gems...enough to make your eyes sear in pain they sparkle so brightly! That'll show 'em!

"Lina..."

_"A million for each of us...five of these, and I'll have the slaughterhouse for the ham and the steak set for me in no time..."_

"Lina!"

_"I'll take this bastard's fortune and steal it as I masquerade for him...I'll be the demon that will cause his downfall...I can see that mansion now..."_

"LINA!"

_***BAM***_

"Owww!" My head! Zel, how could you?

"If you think, for one damned second, that you're going to accept this offer because of this absurd load of money he's offering us, then I'll have to hogtie you down myself!" He shot me an accusatory glare. "This is the worst possible time for your greed to get ahead of you, dammit!"

"Ah...?"

"Miss Lina, I don't want to do this!" Amelia whined. "Please, don't accept! You'll regret it later!"

_"Oh...wait...stripping...stripping...I just mentioned the lack of livelihood and pride they have, right...? What the hell am I thinking?...I doubt that a sage as powerful as he is would get ensnared in a trap so easily."_

I glanced over at Gourry, who was _still _just staring into space like a brain-dead puppy. His head tilted slowly, as if he were breaking it deliberately, and he gazed at the living abomination that was Luo Graon. I could only draw up two conclusions: he really is a deadbeat and has absolutely no concept of stripping and the world of the oh-so-holy red light business at all, or he's drawing up a plan of some kind...

Yeah, right.

Luo cleared his throat. "You know that I have a vast fortune backing me. Don't turn this offer away easily, you four. In addition to the money, I am also willing to offer other services to you as you go along and advance among your potential dancing careers."

"'Careers?' Is _that _what you're calling it?" Zel sneered.

His face turned serious, his brows turning downward. "I can provide things from my business venues for you as you accumulate your income, both tangible and not. But keep in mind that I am a sage, and a sage of White Magic no less. I have researched and researched for years on end, and I can provide some _answers _and _services _and the like for those among you who need them."

Zelgadis, keen, calculating and uber-suspicious as he was, put up his guard. "Oh...? Is that so?"

"Yes." With a sweeping gesture, the show-offy bastard drew out a medium-sized preserves jar from his bag. It was plain-looking, but on the _inside _was something...oozy-looking. Something that a fishman or a goblin would hack up or...or...oh, I can't say it...

The _thing _was in a greenish liquid. My magical studies allowed me to recognize it as a cobra of magical origin. It was bloody and pulpy, having been reduced to skin and organs. Mixed with it was a bit of blood and some cells that made it up, and I could see chips of bone and skin here and there. Either way, Zel was not impressed and Amelia and I were about to puke. Luo waved the jar temptingly in front of our chimera friend.

"This is a cobra."

"A dissected cobra. I can see that," Zel spat.

"And do you know _why _it looks like this?" Luo wagged a finger, much like a certain pageboy-haired _mazoku _would. This only made Zel even angrier.

"You made jam out of it, how the hell should I know!"

"Incorrect." Luo grinned. "The pulp attached to the cobra is its insides, yes. But these bits of blood and bone you see here aren't the cobra's." He leaned in closer. "They are the blood and bones of a _human being."_

Amelia quietly gasped.

_"A human...wait...then..."_

"Do you understand what this might mean for you, Zelgadis Graywords?" Luo asked in a low voice. He shook the contents in the jar as Zel pondered. His ocean-colored eyes bugged out in realization...

"Hold on...was that cobra..." He gulped. "Was the cobra..._inside _the human?"

"Bingo!" Luo grinned. "What you are looking at is a fine specimen of a demonic cobra that was fused, along with a zombie, with a human...in other words, a _chimera. _The young man who was victimized by this experimentation was a ghastly being that was immortal and smelled of snake skin and rotting flesh. He found me one day, and he cooperated with me to extract his parts. Within six months, he had returned to his original human self, courtesy of my magic and with some medical practice."

_"A human, a zombie, and a cobra...ewwwwww..." _In my mind I conjured a snake-like person with half of his face missing. That's just nasty.

"Mister Graywords, please understand that, as a Wise Man of this age, I have worked like a laborer to find a way to return a chimera to its original state. That was always one thing I never agreed with dear old Rezo with, the bastard." He grimaced for a moment. "When I heard of his experiments with chimeras, I decided to add them to my list of studies. So far, I've been able to save about four."

Zel gawked.

"Mind you, my procedures are experimental in nature, and there are repercussions...the young man I had recently healed had lost some muscle tissue, a kidney, some flesh, and was heavily scarred, and most of his powers were gone. But in given time, he will function normally again as he did before the transformation. As a sage of White Magic, I have recently acquired the spells and words of its 'older brother', Holy Magic, and I use it for the ritual. If you accept my offer to dance and build up on the totem pole, I will be more than happy to treat you. I am aware that you want the palace clergy and a medical worker to help. I will speak to them; they are not needed for this." He gazed wistfully at Zel, analyzing his skin (and those elfish ears that I think are kinda cute...hey!). "You...will be a challenge, that's for sure, for the golem and brau demon are so deeply embedded into your blood and flesh...but have faith, please..."

Zel was still frozen like a statue (pun intended). The one thing he had been seeking for years was now possibly standing in front of him. If money and fancy stuff wouldn't win him over, it would _certainly _be a cure, and now this possibility seems not only legit, but well-searched. Amelia couldn't get him to snap out of his reverie.

"Mister Zelgadis..."

"Princess Amelia? I know it seems tricky for someone of your standing to do something like this, but..."

"Damn you!"

Amelia! Since when did you start swearing? I'd say that Zel's an influence, that's for sure...

"Damn you, Luo Graon! You've wormed your way into a patronage to use us for your own amusement! My uncle may be an absolute idiot, but not me! I absolutely refuse to...to..." She was blushing furiously. "..._show _my breasts to some stranger!" Zelgadis snapped from his reverie momentarily to blush. She whispered something to herself, but I couldn't hear it. "All you are giving us is temptation and humiliation, both among the worst of all evils! No one as just as I will accept this!"

Luo sighed. Amelia's right you jackass, you're being a prick! And it's not as if Amelia can get something out of this other than humiliation. After all, she's rich, she has a dad that loves her, and she seems pretty content doing other stuff...

Unless...

Luo chuckled. "Yes, I can see why you will not accept my offer. Can I offer a service to you?"

"L-like what?" Amelia fumed.

"I know great feats of magic. I can help you. If for nothing else, I can give my skills to you..._and _to Saillune."

"...excuse me?" Amelia's face was rigid and angry, but her fuse settled down.

"Know any tracking spells, Princess?" He smiled.

Amelia twitched, "Y-yes...for sensing spirits and tracking objects, in fact..."

"I see. Well," He began. "What if I told you if there was a way that you could track down someone who left no trace of astral energy or any physical part of them behind? Or what if that person was so far away that no spell could find them?"

"...okay...sure, why not? Why are you telling me this?"

Luo lowered his voice. Oh great, here we go again. "You are Princess Amelia, the second princess of Saillune, third in line to the throne after two people...they are your father...and your older sister..."

Amelia squeaked.

"What?" Zelgadis was up at arms.

"Princess Gracia, the first princess of Saillune and your older sister...also known to the kingdom as the 'runaway princess,' left your home when your mother, Victoria, the queen consort, was murdered by an assassin." Amelia cringed. She was probably reliving that experience, and this dick was probably enjoying it. "Oh, sure, His Highnesses Prince Phil and Prince Christopher, and His Royal Majesty King Eldoran may be at ease with Princess Gracia's fears and reasons for running away...but you were a child back then. To see your mother die in front of you...your sister ran off without a word. She shoved all of her burdens on you."

"...Gracia..." Tears welled up in Amelia's eyes.

"Hey, what do you think you're doing?" I yelled at him.

"But even in the prosperous land of Saillune, the best isn't enough for _your _family. As if your corrupt and bickering council wasn't enough, the third prince, Randionel, and Lord Alfred, son of Christopher, betrayed you and went out for blood...Lord Alfred even consulted with the _Mazoku _race to help his heinous plot. Both were against your own father, and he was thought to have died once...to end these acts of treason, you had to strike _both _of them down."

Amelia began to sob, hands over ears. "No...stop...no...!"

He ruefully smiled. I could see the glint of murder appear in Zel's eyes. "Even so, you did your duties admirably, and you stand out from your fellow royal women by accepting hardships and thriving in austere settings. This kingdom is well-established and strong. I think that it will recover from this economic downturn in due time." He fished inside his bag of epic bribery and fished out a tome of some sort. Given that it had a jewel-encrusted cover and how yellow the pages appeared, I prayed that Amelia wouldn't rip it in half.

"See this? This is an old book of Holy Magic spells. They have been translated by my and others' hands. Inside is the powerful detection spell that can possibly find your sister. You wouldn't need an object to find her. If you were to journey out again and find her...well, Amelia? Don't you want to give her a piece of your mind for abandoning her kingdom?"

"My sister would never abandon us!"

"Sisterly love...but still, you're now up for producing Saillune's next official heir, not she, no?"

"Oh!" All three of us were red in the face.

"And just think...with powers this great, no one would dare to cross you, your father, and the rest of Saillune ever again. With Holy Magic on White, the power the kingdom dispels would be stronger than ever before. You...could marry and have a dozen children, and with this, no one would dare to slit the other's throat..."

Oh, Amelia...you aren't as easy to tempt as you seem, right? But all of that for the sake of a kingdom...if she got all of that, then the relatively middle-spot power she has now would go waaay up, and she could end the wrath of her family, maybe with little bloodshed. If Gracia was found, then maybe she'd get some peace of mind...

"Sister..."

As Amelia was left cringing, I could see Gourry still staring into space. Dear God, what's _wrong _with him? Luo approached him and smiled like a kindly old man. Gourry didn't pay attention.

"Gourry Gabriev, soldier of Elmekia -"

"I ACCEPT YOUR OFFER!"

_"GOURRYYYYY!"_

Luo's brow rose high. "Eh?"

"I'll do it, I'll do it! I don't care if you reward me or not, just stop talking like that! It's creepy!" Line tears fell down Gourry's eyes, and he whimpered like a puppy. "Mister Louise-"

"It's _Luo," _Zel interrupted.

"I'll gladly strip my clothes for you..."

Then he did it. He bowed his head down to him. I'm...really flabbergasted right now, I don't know what to say. Wouldn't a job like this severely gore a man's pride more than a woman's? How would you like to wake up knowing that you're getting paid to flaunt your junk and whatnot in front of a flock of sweaty old people? Last time I checked, there are tons of humiliating outfits that a stripper has to wear (and subsequently remove), and then there are the _other _things that they do, like in taverns at night...sure bubby, that sweet young girl in the waitress outfit may _look _like your average server, but under an iron fist, she must offer something to her customers that involves...you know..._this and that..._like...with her mouth...I dunno if they make guys do the same thing, but still...

_"GOURRY, HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?"_

Luo flashed a pearly smile and fished four sets of parchment paper in front of us. "It seems that one of you has come to his senses! Here you are. These are the official binding contracts for the job. I know now that_ you'll _sign this, Mister Gabriev, but even as the rest of you disagree with me, I'll still give you a chance. I will offer the rest of you three days to decide, for I am not the most patient sage out there."

_"No duh...three days?"_

"You can choose to read it over, sign it, and give it to me before the deadline. If you refuse on that day, then you better come up with a damn good explanation. People of all classes will resort to this for the sake of themselves and for others. Your fear of humiliation will not deter me." He shot a death glare at Zelgadis and Amelia in particular. "If you accept, there's a two-hundred silver coin entrance fee, which will be used to provide furnishings for your home. The rest will be provided by me." He stood slowly, yet not a bone was creaking in that old body of his. He turned away, taking all of his promising possessions with him, all of them holding the allure of a big meal for a starving man.

"I'll be at my new store in the north end of town. Come there when you have your answer."

With that, he was gone.

...what was there to say now?

I have no quips whatsoever for this situation. Then again, it's tough to come up with one when an all-mighty sage offers you an ultimatum, right? Beguiling and rotten as he was, he wasn't lying about what he was offering in exchange. I glanced over at a still-despair-ridden Amelia and a grimacing (surprise surprise) Zel. Gourry's face...

I think that he _is _plotting something! But if he isn't, it makes it all the more suspicious. I mean, the second Luo titled him (so to speak), Gourry, jumped at the call! If the good book of cliches is correct, then that mean's he's hiding something.

Or maybe he's _actually _sexually frustrated?

I doubt that a good night's sleep will help with this one...

* * *

><p>So, here I am, mulling over a paper variant of death's door. There was no ultimatum for poor little me, but the allure was still there, that was for sure.<p>

I am truly as smitten with the walk-the-earth lifestyle, as you might have thought. Still, everyone needs something to live for and to live on, and even though plundering all the bandits and pirates of the world is fun, even I want to settle for something someday. As a young maiden who grew up in wine country, I fell for the romantic and simple charm of maintaining one (pricy as it is). Somehow, mixing it with a merchant business (as you know, my parents run a general store) filled with only the best among wares would be a dream for me.

I could've easily manipulated this man into giving his entire fortune to me, but this is Luo Graon the soldier of White Magic, not Cowpoop the bandit or Blindbutt the pirate. His magic could probably wipe out half of this peninsula, and I have little refinement with the sword (or my own dagger for that matter).

Being a stripper...that's no life to live, but...

...can I get that life I want...by being one?

Ever since the day that Luke died by my and Gourry's hands, something in me had changed. I mulled over it and found out that maybe, _just _maybe, walking the earth isn't the ultimate and defining lifestyle that I should be seeking. Two _treasure hunters _(really, they were vagabonds like Gourry and I) had something (emphasis here) of a mutual attraction, and one day, on what would be considered a typical job for them, one of them was killed. Very unceremoniously, might I add. Even if a piece of Shabranigdo _wasn't _sealed in Luke's soul, he'd probably go equally as berserk with a destruction of the same magnitude. It's even worse when you realize that Millina _didn't_ hold a good deal of affection for him at all...

I'm terrified of losing Gourry that way.

And through thick and thin, he said that he would always protect me and stay by me. I...

I...don't want him to do this alone...

He seems to stand up to fear easily, but still...

I don't want to be back by myself either.

Even if that trip to Zephilia didn't end well...

_"He has the brain of a deadbeat jellyfish and doesn't know a thing about social norms and whatnot. He treats you like a child."_

Oh, hell! It's not as if I...er...

What am I gonna do...?

* * *

><p><strong>Am I to be like a Horse's Ass Forever...? (by Zelgadis)<strong>

This...

Something like this...

It can't be...

Is this...truly my only chance?

My only chance to change this body of mine...?

_"Luo Graon...a great sage, just like...him."_

A sliver of moonlight is peeking through the window of this dark, cozy room. I'm in the bathhouse for the male servants, which is furnished with a dark cherry wood. It's perfect for reflection and whatnot. The magnitude of my thoughts are as eerie and daunting as that sliver.

Luo Graon was a man who studied White Magic and performed no ill deeds, unlike..._him._ But today, he flaunted his true colors, and they weren't the least bit attractive. It's disheartening to know that such a holy man has a seedy underground business, but maybe I shouldn't be surprised. I've seen the true colors of people every single day of my life. One could argue that his managing whores is a ruse in itself, but then you might ask, why would he bother?

Whores, strippers, dancers...all bearing their bodies for others to see.

This monstrous figure of mine...I loathe it. It matters not to me that I maintained some of my more "human" looks; don't think that I'm not aware of that.

For one such as myself, a menial task such as fetching clothes is burdensome. For the past six years, most of my clothes have been sewn from coarser linens and burlap sacks. They're the only materials that can withstand constant contact with the stones on my body. I never need to eat as frequently as others. Should I accidentally overeat or gorge (which I rarely do anyway), there's a lot of stomach pain for hours at a time. Super-sensitive hearing is a nice commodity, but in the presence of something outrageously noisy, I get dizzy and sick.

For everyday living, the only perk of this body is that I don't have to take a piss every so often, courtesy of the golem.

Even a bath...there's a metal brush I use to scrub, and washing my hair is outright pointless. That same golem also nullifies the human nerves and more bodily sensations that I have, so I can't feel the same luxuriant, soothing heat of the water as well as, say, Gourry would. Bath time is just cleaning time for me, not a luxury.

Combine all of that with my deformed-looking face, and all of the regular humans and elves and even races like trolls and goblins will run off with their tail between them. It just makes everything worse.

I told myself a long time ago, after meeting those I call my friends, that I would never fall into despair...I can't afford to, but it seems impossible not to at times.

The details of my life aren't lined with silver, that's for sure. As a child I would wet the bed, steal books from the library, and run off on my own. Back then it was innocent and childish, but when my parents died, that behavior lingered and became dangerous.

I was naive back then, helping alongside Zolf and Rodimus, Dilgear and Noonsa, and _him. _I would fight for the good of others, but I'll tell you right now that slaying some of those men who pillaged and burned was a lot of fun. It was empowering to see their blood spill by my hand.

Women are largely a mystery to me. When I _did _enter that odd world, it never ended well. I was fifteen when I gave "it" away. I saw _him _flogging another woman once, so out of jealousy and spite, I had my first ale at a local bar and offered myself to the barkeep's much older, lonely daughter. There was no passion at all, just spite and lust. The same happened the scant amount of other times I had been with them.

...

And then...when _he _changed me...

There were many things he did...being a berserker was just one of those things...

...

...

...ahh! No...! I won't remember...ohhh...

...

...ahhem, now...oh...

...if Luo can change me, what will happen then? I wouldn't have to wander anymore, but it's not as if getting a regular career is easy. I've been nomadic for years. As such, I feel that I'm...pretty much doomed to wander the world alone...

And stripping is outright horrifying. What will the audience do when they see me? The fact that I have to be near-nude while doing it is unsettling enough.

But the others are stuck in a similar rut. I mean, Gourry's left on his own, but Lina could get riches, and Amelia...

Amelia...

...

...oh, stop it!

She's such a brat...

But I can't help but get worried about her. Underneath that facade of hers is a lot of pain. She belongs to a royal family that has all that they could ever ask, but they kill and manipulate for more...all that she has is her father. Her quixotic notions are probably half-truth and half-ruse to hide that pain.

Even so, she really is a smart girl, more than I realized.

Cute too...

...stop it!

...

Ohh, this sucks! I can't take this. I left the bath and prepared for bed back in Christopher's room. I wanted a good night's sleep for dealing with this, but I doubt that it'll happen. The image of that snake in a jar is still prodding in my head. That evidence was clearer than crystal, with the blood and the bone. Maybe back then, I'd leap at the chance. Then again, back then, I would've murdered people and pillaged an entire village without any hesitation.

...

Gourry meant what he said, didn't he? _He's really going to become a stripper. _Oh God...

...

_"...still...there's tomorrow. He did say that the deadline was in three days. I'll see what the others will do..."_

* * *

><p><strong>So...why me? What did I do? (By Amelia)<strong>

_"Ohh...what should I do?"_

Not even hugging my stuffed bear is helping...when I was little, Daddy gave me this big white bear, named it Faith, and gave it to me, saying, "if you ever find yourself lost, just give Faith a hug, and the answer will come to you."

That's pretty childish, isn't it?

But Faith gave me answers. He even gave me answers when I thought that Daddy died. Besides, when Daddy's not around, and I'm stuck here, who else can I turn to? I still have a lot to learn.

Faith, please help me...gimme a hug...

_"Besides, it's not as if sis can help me."_

Gracia...

Mommy was killed that night, and there were fewer bedtime stories, no more tea time, and no more girl talk. As you can imagine, when that time of the month started for me, and I started getting breasts, learning about it all was...interesting. And awkward.

When Gracia ran away, all that she left behind was a note.

Daddy took it well. She's taking this time to become powerful, but from what else I know, she's just wandering out there and seeking riches, just like Miss Lina. I don't think it's working, because every time she writes, she asks for a good deal of money. There's nothing she brings with the letters that anyone can use to track her down. I've lost most of my hope of her returning someday.

Uncle Randy and Alfred are gone now, too.

During both of those incidents, I either caused too much trouble or was too weak to do anything. It was really the efforts of Miss Lina and Mister Zelgadis that saved Saillune at that time. I can't believe that I didn't realize about that summoning spell trick. I didn't know about it before, but why didn't I see it twice? And Mister Gourry could certainly hold his own too. I don't know a thing about weapons.

But I still can't bring myself to wield one. I hate them. I hate them so much.

I hate the older members of the council and their conceit. I hate my stupid, insipid hand maids who treat me like some stupid doll. I hate the other princesses I have to talk to because they're so spoiled and vapid. They don't know anything. I never held Miss Martina in high regard, you know?

I hate Uncle Christopher for being such a coward.

I hate Gracia for running away and getting away with it.

And...

...there are days that I hate myself.

Compared to Miss Lina, I'm a pretty mediocre sorceress. There, I said it. And there are days that my princess status drives me crazy. One day, I'm the upper-class toy doll that dares not move, on other days I'm fighting over some issue with the council, and they'll _always _disagree. It's the same with my friends, and it's so frustrating...

The way the treat me sometimes...even so, I don't hate them at all. They've taught me so much...they're like family to me...

Miss Lina and Mister Gourry are like my sister and brother, with Miss Lina teasing me and Mister Gourry being kind and teaching me the finer, simpler things in life. Life with them on the road is exciting. I feel both normal and important at the same time. Being out there in the open and fighting hands-on makes a pursuit for both justice and a safer world more meaningful and fulfilling.

I'll keep on hugging Faith...he's coming to mind.

_"...Mister Zelgadis..."_

We've been such good friends. We have more in common than I originally thought. We're opposites, yes, but they're complimenting opposites. Perhaps his gray perspectives on the world compliment mine.

_"He's so smart..."_

I can see him showing that small smile at me...he makes my heart flutter. Sometimes, when I think of him, my chest gets tight...

_"...wahh! Stop acting like a puppy, Amelia! There are more important things to think about! Like...like..."_

LIKE BECOMING A STRIPPER.

Somehow I wound up on top of my vanity. I need to stop doing that.

So, Mister Luo is offering me a vast helping of power and a secret spell so that I can bring peace to Saillune and maybe bring my sister home. In exchange, I must perform the unjust act of removing my clothes and...

"_...oh, no...! What if he makes me do really risque stuff, like...sitting on men's laps...showing my breasts...or maybe, maybe...what if he makes me put some man's **thing** in my mouth!"_

I want to puke! That's just evil! Only a man and a woman who deeply love one another should do that! Yes! The man must love and respect the woman, and she must in return, and together, that love will increase the passion the woman feels as she puts it in and...wait...wait, WHAT AM I SAYING!

Let me take a good look at myself in the mirror...hmm...

It isn't just the evil behind Luo's job that I'm so reluctant to do it. When it comes to my body, I'm quite shy. When Gracia was entering womanhood, she took her figure in stride and would wear the skimpiest dresses. From what I can remember, she had big breasts and a nice figure...that caught the eye of many young men, that was for sure. I wonder how she looks now?

...hey, my breasts aren't _that _big. I never thought that they were. I give them a squeeze...

_"...okay, maybe they are big...then again, it seems as though I've always had them. Figures that my suitors aren't just interested in my fortune anymore. When that old man wasn't making eye contact with me...oh, dear, I DO have big breasts! That's all they're gonna see now! Damn, damn, damn!"_

_"...and my body...I suppose it's a bit curvier than Miss Lina's. She's pretty willowy..."_

_"...no...no...nooo! Older men love girls with big boobs and curvy bodies! But my face...it's still a bit rounded...NOOO! That's a man's ultimate fantasy, a cute little blob with a woman's body! I can't accept this task! It's not just unjust, it's sick!"_

I can't just show off my body...I, I just _can't. _That lovely white two-piece swimsuit Lina purchased for me? It was pretty, but I couldn't wear it! It clung on to me and everything! Just like the suitors, I got all of these men staring at me...don't you see why I can't do this?

And yet...

I have all of these reasons, but the thought of having the strength to stop the family feud and become stronger is...really appealing.

Ohh..._"I'm starting to sound like Mister Zelgadis...and Mister Gourry is diving into this. He can't do it alone. It's unjust to leave a friend hanging alone like that. Surely..."_

"I don't know what to do...but..."

...

...

...!

_***THUMP***_

_"What was that?"_

After snatching my modest robe, I snuck down the hall. I think that the thumping noise came from one of the sitting rooms...

"...my money, Charlotte?"

_"Eh?" _It's coming from the Pink Room, a sitting room. I can hear a man's voice...I remember that a woman named Charlotte is one of the newer members of the Royal Council. Deftly, like a good heroine would, I placed myself outside and leaned against the wall so that I wouldn't be seen. So...

"...coming soon...why are you-"

"Address me as 'Your Highness!'"

"Your _Highness, _I told you, it would be coming soon." I heard her scoff. "Why do you need this money anyway?"

"I need it..." He lowered his voice to a hush, so I couldn't hear him...it was Uncle Christopher.

_"Oh, no..."_

"...stupid as all hell. Prince Phillionel is offering you an amazing position when he takes the throne, and you have everything else you could ever-"

"Don't disobey me!"

He slapped her. Oh, ohh...

"Even if you are a part of our council, it is _we, _the royals, who have the final word. And _you, _an inexperienced little _brat, _will fill this task for me!"

"Pfft...some of us have done more in our lives than sit on our ass all day and moan..."

_***PSH***_

"Hey...hey-! Stop-! What are you-"

_"No...no! Not the knife..."_

"Ahhh! Kyaah!"

"Shut up!"

I can hear furniture crashing. Now Charlotte's making muffled noises...grunting sounds...clothes being ripped...

_"NOOO!"_

"Not a sound out of you...hahh...or you're out of...here..."

She's moaning in pain, Uncle Christopher is...oh, no, I...oh...what does he possibly want? Is he...?"

_"Ohhh..."_

I'm probably going to Hell for this, but I'm not taking any chances. I ran back to my room, grabbed the ink and quill, and scribbled my name down on that contract. There, I did it. There were tears on the paper, but that didn't matter. All that I can do now is cry and hope that Charlotte doesn't wind up alone on the streets...do you expect me to raise a hand against my uncle? He and Daddy are all I have back here!

* * *

><p><strong>Two Days to Doom, Among Other Things (by Lina)<strong>

"_Morning already..."_

Sun's up already. Great. The first thing that everyone wants to wake up to is a piece of paper and the potential exchange of greatness for becoming a pervert. Endearingly scratching my bum while putting on my robe, I dragged myself downstairs to the dining hall to find both a breakfast buffet, a fretting Amelia, and a poker-faced Gourry.

"Morning, y'all. So..."

Gourry shot me a small smile. "I signed it last night. Read all the papers and everything. And no, Lina, I don't regret it."

My jaw shot through the floor. Here this bastard was, sipping on tea with a massive pile of potatoes, sausage, and eggs in front of him with a content little grin on his face. If I didn't hold him in high regards, I'd have ripped his ball sack off.

"Gourry...dare I ask _why?"_

He then glanced at me, smiled again, winked...and wagged his finger, in a manner that all of us knew all too well.

"That's a secret."

_"I'M GOING TO RIP YOUR SKULL OUT, YOU JELLYFISH."_

I then shot Amelia a glance. All that she was doing was stirring a jar of jam with her knife, muttering about something. It's big sister duty for me.

"Amelia? Surely _you've _put some thought into this..."

She turned away and whimpered, blushing. I think that confirmed it. The second princess of Saillune will degrade herself into a harlot. Jaw, meet the floor again.

"Amelia!"

"Miss Lina, please, try to understand! My family..."

Before she could continue (and whatever she would've said would've been unpleasant, I could tell), Zel shuffled into the room, bleary-eyed. He grabbed the tea pot and poured himself a cup, slipping a lemon wedge inside of it. I couldn't read the vague expression on his face.

Given all the shit that I put him through, from the bunny outfit to that dress, surely Zel had burned that contract and pissed all over it. Maybe _he _hadn't lost his marbles.

"Hey Zel. How are you?"

He said nothing and gazed out the window. Uh-oh...

_"No..."_

"Um, Zel?" I dared to ask. "Are you..."

"I'm still thinking about it."

_"Phew!"_

_"_Contrary to what it may seem, I'm not taking this lightly."

_"Shit."_

I could hear the fear in his voice, but Zel was an intellectual guy. He wouldn't pass a sage's offer so easily. Then again, maybe the butt monkey status I gave him made him go insane.

As we ate, Prince Christopher the Dull walked in, appearing disheveled and exhausted. His hair was everywhere and the small wrinkles on his face seemed to stick out more than usual. He was holding what I assumed was a sculpture. Wonder why?

"Good morning, everyone. Good morning, Amelia dear."

Amelia squeaked in panic and bit her lip. Yep, something bad happened last night, and this jackass was involved.

"Mister Zelgadis?" Zelgadis glanced at him in affirmation. "Something came in the mail for you late last night."

He placed the sculpture down on the table, and Zelgadis choked on the grits he was eating. What better than a sculpture of Rezo the Red Priest to flare Zel's nerves up? It was made from soap stone, and it wasn't pretty, but it was well-made. The priest was posed in a sitting position, thinking deeply. That wasn't the oddest part about it though. My senses picked up something magical inside the statue...

"Why are you giving me this?" Zelgadis asked, his temper flaring.

"Hey, someone from Luo's store had it sent to you. I can only assume it's a present."

Zel perched on the table like some pissed animal. "Well then, send it back! I want nothing to do with that bastard of a man ever again, you hear me? Just looking at something like this makes me sick!"

_"Yikes."_

Suddenly, as if to respond to his anger, magical power flared up inside the statue. With a squeak, Zelgadis sat back, and everyone else gazed in awe as an ethereal aura began to take over the statue. It was the same aura that I had seen during the soul transfers for the Hellmaster's Jar...

Which means...

_"...hmmmnh...ohhh..."_

The statue is speaking...this is NOT good.

With a small burst of light, the statue rattled slightly and recomposed itself. Zelgadis ducked down slightly, afraid to see the blind eyes etched on it. Then, something outright dastardly and horrifyingly disturbing happened...

_"Hello, Zelgadis. Hello everyone. It's been a while, hasn't it?"_

The fucking Red Priest was speaking to us. FOR REAL. A piece of his soul was lodged into this statue, like it had been in the jar.

Why, why, WHY does this asshole not stay dead! What more could he possibly be hiding THIS time!

* * *

><p><em>Each chapter changes perspectives, or it may not. It's indicated by the character's name in the chapter title. Don't worry, you'll see what Gourry has to say soon!<em>


	3. Chapter Three by Zelgadis

**THREE: The Unwelcome Will Always Be Here To Stay (By Zelgadis)**

Here he is.

Again.

My great-grandfather's soul has stuck onto this world.

Again.

He has returned at an all-too vital moment when the four of us are in a pickle.

Again.

He's putting on airs. Or maybe he's really senile this time...

...again...

...

...

. . .

WHY THE FUCK IS THIS HAPPENING!

If you can't recall, then shall I help you remember that my own great-grandfather bought misfortune to everyone he met? That he manipulated everyone for his own personal gain? That he went out there, _since _the age of _sixteen, _to _sleep_ with just about_ every single goddamn woman on this peninsula! _Could you _imagine_ the amount of illegitimate children he's probably fathered? What kind of family reunion would that be like?

(And now you know yet _another _dark side of Rezo Clement Di Graywords*, everyone. Congratulations. And yes, that is his full name. Last I recall, Mother kept her maiden name.)

Hgh...calm down, calm down Zel...

Okay...ahem...let's think about this for a minute. If it was sent from Luo Graon's store like Christopher said it was, then who's not to say that it was sent from the man himself? Not only was I perhaps wrong to assume that Luo Graon was a bastion of holiness, but perhaps he and the Red Priest were sworn friends, in cahoots, hand-to-glove! It is said that Graon is the sole person among the Five Wise Men of the Age remaining, but they both knew White Magic like the back of their hands, and for the longest time they were the only two among the Five Wise Men of the Age to have been seen alive together. Two of the Wise Men have long since died, and god knows what has become of Shazard Lugandy the Great.*

This is clearly something that Luo had planned. Besides, my great-grandfather is both a famous man and an instigator of many plots. The only question is why they're working in tandem. As far as Rezo's soul is concerned, I can only assume that it's scattered like leaves all over the place and there's probably a piece of it in a rusty piss-pot somewhere.

_"Hello there, Zelgadis. I trust you've been doing well?"_

That voice...ohh, I loathe it so! It seems so soothing like a balm, but it seeps with condescending and hellish ambiance! "Why, of course, grandfather dear. It's just that your presence is rather...unexpected." _"Unexpected because you're supposed to be DEAD, you asshole."_

_"Oh, good. I was fearful that you had kept on loathing me when we last met in Taforashia. I wish to apologize for causing you such pain. I think that it was the first time sine you were a child that you shed tears like that. But that time is long gone, no? Shall we let bygones be bygones?"_

That bastard! _"He just had to bring up that moment, didn't he! He's in on this..."_

From the corner of my eye, I spotted Lina pondering. Surely she must think this of highly suspicious? She apparently is bent on not signing the contract, so I have to get her to vouch for me. No, I didn't pass it off like she did, but doing the thing-that-was-already-mentioned is as much my cup of tea as getting the craps.

"Ahem...I'm not so sure about that last statement, but I can't afford to dilly-dally any longer. Rezo..."

"Zel, get to the point. Stop talking like some villain wearing a monocle with his ass on a throne, it's annoying," Lina broke in. Damn you, Lina, and your snark. Although, I'm one to talk in that department...

"Rezo..." _"Oh, fuck it." _"I can see that you're clearly hand-in-hand with Luo Graon, the sage of White Magic! Together you're plotting to turn us into erotic dancers for your own pleasure, aren't you? Well?"

A pause.

If you squinted, you could see bits of stone falling like sand from the statue. I can tell that he's nervous. Oh, how wonderful...

_"...what makes you say such a thing, Zelgadis? Do you truly hate me that much to the point that you'd accuse me of putting you and your friends__ into sexual slavery?"_

"I already answered that question for you, didn't I?" Take a deep breath..."You are _absolutely _the most selfish, uncaring, manipulative, self-centered, pretentious, condescending, pissy, neurotic, hypocritical, obnoxious piece of _shit _that I have ever met _in my entire life! _Given that you would've given up the livelihood of an entire damn kingdom to open your eyes, I wouldn't be surprised if you had something to do with _this! _You'd get a real kick out of this, watching me and my friends squirm. After all, you enjoyed the days when I was your personal berserker, and you...you..."

I can't say...

...

...

_"...no...NO! Not that...I can see it...he...he made me..."_

* * *

><p><em>He had made him perform acts so vile and repugnant because he was fond of "experimentation." Chimeras were beings made by man's hand, and they were ripe for testing out certain..."attributes." One might say he was lucky, but in truth, it only made him more bitter, cynical, and especially emotionally numb. It had reached a tipping point, and the boy no longer cared until he bought in that one other person, a young nun with her leg amputated and a missing eye...she was afraid of touches...<em>

_He then saw his master's body movements, for that master was blind. Perhaps there was something more sinister in store waiting for him...!_

* * *

><p><em>"...no...I...what I had done was..."<em>

...

...

Amelia is looking at me with a gentle gaze. She's always concerned for me, but I need to filter this out myself. Please don't say anything Amelia, give me a minute...

...there.

"Zel? What's wrong?" Gourry asked. I turned to him, and he had that same concerned look on his face. Why can't you people just leave me alone?

"Nothing Gourry, nothing, nothing...now..."

The statue wobbled slightly. _"Did you remember something just now? I said that what's done is done, right? Right?"_

I sighed heavily. "Oh, Rezo, Rezo, Rezo, can't you see that you feel incredibly guilty right now?" Yes, it's true. I can tell. "Something of that magnitude isn't easy to forget, you know." A rueful smile crosses my lips. "In fact, the experiment I had just remembered truly formed that cynical streak I supposedly have even more so than before. I'm not taking Luo's offer to change me back lightly, you know."

_"Change you back!" _He yelped in shock. Hah!

"Yes, that's right. Your fellow Wise Man wishes to help. Unlike _you, _who lied on end, he gave me proof. Oh, I hate him, but it seems to me that he's at least honest and blunt. And by the way, what I had remembered..." I got him in a corner...maybe today won't be so bad after all. "Do you recall having a young nun with a missing eye and leg 'helping' with one of your experiments on me?"

_"Sh-shut up! You remember that?"_

"Very vividly, actually."

_"...damn...double damn!"_

Ohh, this is great! Really great! I couldn't be happier right now! "Wah hah hah hah hah!"

"Mister Zelgadis, please don't laugh like that..." Amelia cringed.

"Eh?"

...it seems that I have positioned myself on the table, laughing like a hysterical demonic overlord. Oh, dear...

Ah, how embarrassing. It seems that in my moment of victory I have positioned myself on the table and perched triumphantly and wickedly, laughing like an evil warlord...wait, why am I thinking like this? What the hell?

"Err..." Sitting down now... "Sorry."

_"So, Graon really has found a way..."_ I heard him say. _"That's quite alright. All of that aside, I shall clear several things up for you now..." _He shifted. _"I have been sent here by Luo Graon, that is true. I am here to tell you, Zelgadis, that there is more to the proposition that Luo has given you. And if all of you accept to become erotic dancers, then I shall serve as your guide to surviving and striving to the top."_

"...wait. Help us?" Gourry pointed out. "Aren't priests not allowed to have sex?"

"Gourry!" Lina yelped.

"But it's true, isn't it?"

_"Silence!" _Yikes. _"Now before I continue, I...well...I have a confession to make."_

_*Gulp.*_ _"Oh boy, what could it be THIS time?"_

Statue-Rezo shifted, as if embarrassed. _"...Clementine St. Cyr."_

What th..."Excuse me?"

_"That was my...stage name..."_

"Stage name? What would you need a stage name for?" Rezo fell silent. "Come on, tell me."

"Clementine...? Don't harlots use names like those?" Amelia inquired in a too-innocent tone. Not helping.

"Rezo, speak up. Why would you-"

***BANG!***

_"Oh my God...oh God, oh God, no, oh FUCKING God no...it can't be..." _"No...Rezo, don't tell me..."

_"...and Luo Graon's name was Benedict Creme."_

"Both of you!" No, no, no, no, no, no, NO! I REFUSE TO ACCEPT THIS! Am I seriously hearing this! Am I about to deduce, if I am correct the notion that my own great-grandfather, a _priest, _was a harlot? A stripper? A _MAN-WHORE!_ And Graon was actually with him?

"Rezo...you...Rezo...stripper?"

"Oh my God, am I really hearing this? The famous Red Priest flashed women for money! I wonder..." Lina's face was blanching. "EEEK! No, no, bad image! Get the hell out of my head! Outoutoutout!"

Amelia fainted.

"...so Rezo got naked? Did he do that when he was a priest, too?" Gourry stupidly inquired. Idiot!

_"Now please, listen to me," _Statue-Rezo pleaded desperately. _"It was during the days of our youth, we had no money, our families were in a rut, and we had to pay for our education at the Magic Guild. We only did it for a few years...or six...or twenty, I don't remember_, _really, __it was only eight times a week...it's not like, you know, we didn't get swooned over or anything, and no, I most certainly did not get in bed with the Princess of Ralteague, or the Grand Duchess of Elmekia, or the Eternal Queen at that time...no one was drunk or anything, and I most certainly did not take my vows of celibacy beforehand...I'm...pretty sure that no one got pregnant...er, I think...I mean, I DID get married and have three beautiful children...you know, by a girl who was my former student when I was teaching...wait, how old am I again...? About a century...? Uhh...eheheheheh..."_

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"

I can't take this shit anymore...I think I'm gonna die right here...

"Hey! Zelgadis is getting all sweaty!" Gourry pointed out like a stupid school boy. "I think that there's foam coming out of his mouth too!"

Oh, Gourry, you're such a thorn in my side...so much for the only consistent male best friend I have that isn't a _Mazoku; _he had to be as brain-dead as a puppy. But there was more to Rezo's statement...can someone help me pull together, please? Pleeeaaase?

"Mister Zelgadis?"

"Ah!"

"Please, hang in there..."

Ah...there it is. Those innocent blue eyes, shining like a lake in the early morning...combined with those childish cheeks, they send off waves of innocence and concern. On most days they're a wee bit annoying, but their effect has rubbed off on me over the years. It's like bathing soap with olive oil in it, really. Sounds strange, yes, but...a grouch like me who has to deal with crap needs something like that, you know? She's kind and considerate, concerned for me...she doesn't have to be...

"Erm, thank you Amelia..."

"Eh heh...you're welcome."

I have regained my strength! Now, then...

"Before you detoured to your...olden days, so to speak," And trust me when I used that term _loosely, _"you mentioned something about Luo's deal with me. Well Rezo, speak up."

A momentary silence.

To my surprise, Statue-Rezo spun around, as if regretful; the way he spoke spelled it out. _"Luo Graon claims to have a cure for you, correct? I am aware that you are undecided, but I myself have something to offer you as well." _He emitted some dust and popped a magic projection in front of me. Ow, my eyes.

_"You've been spending all of your manhood searching for a way to change your body back. I had assumed it was impossible, but I suppose I was wrong. And now that it's within your reach, have you asked yourself what you're going to do when it's over?"_

Ah...

The truth of the matter is that ever since I was transformed, the thought of a career flew well over my head. At the time my sole livelihood was serving Rezo, and then the long journey for a cure began after he died. The closest thing I had to a job was mercenary work I did every now and then for some spare money. I've been like a nomad for so long that I get restless if I stay in one place for weeks or months on end. Being Amelia's bodyguard was nice and all, but there were times that I needed to escape. It was kind of like an itch. Surely, I have plenty of skills to land a steady job, but...I don't even recall where I was born. I don't have any notion of where I would call home. Hell, I don't even know what I would like to do even if was able to get a job. To me, being nomadic is all well and good, but it's no way to live. Or maybe it is. Perhaps I'm as nomadic as I am because of my appearance. When I was alone, I'd avoid staying at an inn at all costs...I was haplessly tempted into staying at an inn to revisit a particular someone; I heard that she had become a landlady of an inn after a bad run-in with a chimera.* I never got to it though. But for this matter...what would I do?

"...I have not."

_"I figured you wouldn't. Remember what I told you when you were ram-sacking my Hellmaster's Jar? About the notion of the paths we pick?" _Yes, yes I do, and it was really dumb. _"__You have nothing set up for you, so my offer will help you in that regard."_

"Oh, really?"

_"Yes..." _The projection whirred and displayed an image of what looked like a worn-down manor. There were sacks of something surrounding it. _"This could potentially serve you as a jump-start to any future career you might want. Agree to strip, and I'll tell you all about what you're getting. You'll have to work to the top, but hear me out, Zelgadis. You're getting two great rewards, whereas your friends are only getting one. Work your way up and you'll find out what it is."_

Hah! He'd probably try something like this on me. How shameless. "Judging from what I see, it's a useless old house with some antiques. Some prize, Rezo. You just want to have me humiliated."

_"Ah-ah-ah...don't jump to conclusions. With this prize is a key, which itself is info that you might want to know."_

"What are you playing at?"

"Mister Zelgadis..."

More silence...I think that someone could make a drinking game out of Rezo's dramatic pauses.

_"...with this offer, you will also learn the fate that befell your parents. And with that, everything will open up to you."_

"WHAT!"

"Mister Zelgadis' parents?" Amelia inquired with worry. "We've never learned about them..."

He can't be serious...

My dear mother and father...are dead. Long dead, since I was a child. It was horrifying. I dare not think about it unless I want to have three nights without restful sleep. And yet, despite all my efforts...I can still see her...Mama...she was...holding me...there was blood everywhere...something was biting her, it had sharp fangs...and then...and then...

Oh...

"Mister Zelgadis!"

_"..."_

"Mister Zelgadis, you're crying...please, say something!"

_"..."_

"Zel...? What's going on? Zel!"

"Zelgadis, what's happening? Why are you..."

_"I was afraid that this would happen...ah..."_

"... ... ..."

_"Oh, what will I say to him when he...?"_

"Rezo! Is this notion of injustice your doing? What have you done to make Mister Zelgadis like this!"

_"Well...oh, dear, how do I explain this...you see...it was..."_

"REZO!"

My parents...does he know something...!

"Rezo! Do you know something about how my parents died? Do you! Tell me, please..."

I can't do it...I can't stop the tears from falling...no, no, please stop falling...

He's twitching...

_"...that is a part of your reward. That is all I have to say. You will get a cure, and you will get what I showed you on the projector. I will guide all of you if both you and Lina agree to sign, since Gourry and Princess Amelia have already done so. What happens after with me, well...we'll see. Now, will you sign or not?"_

To think...he's helping me for once...after all these years. I'll get a bigger reward than the others if I sign up to an armageddon's worth of humiliation. Dare I do it? I...I think so...

I made a dash for my room and bought the inkwell, quill, and paper down. I read everything. I think I'm ready. I'm gonna dive into the world of strippers and whores...my God, what a world it is...oh, shit...oh, shit, shit shit! I'm not ready for this!

"Zel, sign the damn paper."

"Meep! Okay."

And there it was. Dammit, Lina...

"Wow Zel, you have neat handwriting," Gourry observed. Uh, thanks? I glanced at his. It sucks. Go figure.

Well, that's three if I'm right. The only one left is...

I see her...the redheaded evil spitfire, Lina Inverse. The woman who arguably changed my life, or at least got me to get off my ass and seek my cure. And value friendship, sort of. Then again, not really. What kind of friend blows up villages on a whim and would rather throw her companions to a group of perverted fish in order to save her own scrawny, selfish ass?

"Gourry, Amelia..."

Lina twitched in fear. I knew that she was attempting to escape! "Ah...er, I was just-"

"You're not running out on us this time, Lina!" Amelia screamed, pinning her down with the Lafas Seed spell. Gourry added extra strength by holding her in a nelson, and I will do the honor of forcing her into this. She will go through this with us whether she likes it or not!

"Well, well, well, the Enemy of All who Live is forced to become a harlot and atone for her sins...or make more, who knows. Either way, Lina, your selfish antics end here. We all agreed to do this, and you will too. After all, there's a shitload of money at stake." Good ol' me made the nastiest chimeric snarl I could muster. Maybe I should practice them more?

"Ahahahah...Z-Z-Zel, Gourry, Amelia...please, please, I have nothing to lose, you guys clearly do...ahahaha...ehhh...I'm just an innocent sorceress who loves to travel...I promise I'll be good...ahhh...Zel, why are you looking at me like that?"

***Chnk...***

"EYAAAAAH! NOT MY...WHAT ARE YOU DOING!"

"Yes...! Whatever breasts you have, I will cut off here and now if you don't join us!"

"EEEEK! OKAY, I'LL DO IT I'LL DO IT! WAHH! DON'T HURT MEEEEEEEEE!"

In a flurry, Lina grabbed her contract and signed it like a road runner. Some of the ink even spilled onto the paper.

There it was.

All four of us have sealed our fate as strippers...

* * *

><p><em>Later that day, at Luo's store<em>

"Mhmm...yes...yes, splendid."

That smug ass Luo grinned. He reviewed all of the contracts and marked each one with a wax seal. He's all too pleased.

It was an understatement when we assumed that Luo was wealthy. This very office has a cherry wood table lined with black marble, of all things. That same marble was used for decorative pillars placed on each corner of the room, facing a spacious window with a view of a massive lake in the northernmost part of the city. There were valuable art pieces set about the room, along with plenty of bric-a-brac* and books. The side with the door was made of stained glass. To top it off, on the floor were the respective pentagram and hexagram for Black and White Magic etched in gold. Judging by the lack of magic in the room (that wasn't emulating from Luo himself), they were probably decoration. Even his desk seemed elegant, organized as it was with a large plume feather serving as his quill and a porcelain inkwell. Today, the man himself wore a dark blue robe with silk pants, leather shoes, and had his long hair up in a braid.

"I'm so happy to have the four of you! Everything has been reviewed in full, and we are arranging for dance lessons and tailors as we speak. Your living quarters have been arranged for you."

I twitched. "Dance...lessons?" Oh, God...

"Yes, Mister Graywords, dance lessons. Dancing is a rudimentary skill for strippers and servers. It's especially vital for the ladies when they need to serve at a gentlemen's club."

"Gentlemen's club!" Amelia cried. "You mean, like...like...those taverns where they throw coins at women and touch them!"

"Correct, my dear." Bastard, stop grinning! "But don't worry. The gentleman's club is far beyond your reaches at the moment. For now, after lessons, you will all start at obligatory taverns and small stages in and around the area."

"Beyond our reach..." Lina grimaced. "That's a gentle way of putting it."

"Why, yes indeed. After that will be bigger stages, then nightclubs, and finally, the ladies' and gentleman's clubs. At the nightclub level there are also opportunities to work at a waffle house or a soapland.*

"EXCUSE ME!"

Woahwoawoahwoah, wait just a damn minute! I thought that we were going to be strippers _only! _Sure, this particular prose is mentioning harlots a whole lot, but understand that it's purely for emphasis! I didn't sign up to become one, and neither did anyone else! I don't want to be a man-whore!

"Soap...land?" I heard Gourry say. "What's that?"

Luo smiled. "It's kind of like a special bath for clients. You take a client and give them a bath after you scrub yourself with a little soap first. Then, you give your client a scrubbing, and then the _fun_ starts, like when the young lady server in question offers a blo-"

"SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP! I don't want to hear about your past escapades as Benedict Creme! Hell, I don't want to know what happens next anyway!" Lina shrieked, blushing furiously. All four of us were, actually. To think that there would be a service that offered _that_...

...why are you staring at me like that? Are you assuming that I never had one?

...why am I telling you this...? I'm losing it already...

Luo's eyes were wider than plates. "Ah...so I can assume that Rezo told you about...err...ahem! Anyhoo, about that, er, we can insure that you don't have to offer sexual services to customers yet, but if you go out on your own, and, well, something happens, then, erm, you're on your own. Sorry, but it's in the fine print of the contract." Cheeky bastard.

"Oh, great..." Lina slumped to the floor.

"Here's a map," said Luo, "to your living quarters. They're under the ground in a specially carved-out base made for strippers and staff starting out. It's at the northernmost point of town, indicated by a small cabin partially above ground. You'll bathe, eat, and sleep in them, and as time passes, you'll get newer quarters. Head down there at sunset and take a nice, long bath, because you're gonna be busy tomorrow afternoon."

_"Busy...I am regretting this already..."_

"I'll ship Rezo down to you later tonight."

_"Oh, joy."_

"Oh! I almost forgot." Luo bent behind his desk and shifted a few things. He pulled from beneath four sets of clothing...and I am using the term very loosely here, folks. Shit. "These are your uniforms when you are not at work. When you arrive, I will have the housekeeper ask you to surrender your current articles of clothing, as well as all weapons and magical objects."

"You're not serious! We'll freeze in those clothes!" Amelia objected. "And besides...they look...skimpy."

Skimpy indeed. There was a thin cotton robe with a long loincloth sash for Gourry and I, and thin bloomers, bandage wrappings, and a shorter-sleeve-and-length variant of the robe for Lina and Amelia. Every day we're going to live in fear knowing that with one wrong move, someone will flash the other.

"True, true, but you must get used to the idea of exposing yourself. These uniforms were designed for that purpose."

_"You just want to see us squirm, you rotten bastard."_

Luo smiled pleasantly and grabbed a scone from beneath his desk. "I have many of my dancers at work right now. You'll probably meet one later tonight, okay? Just for your reassurance, your rewards are all set up for you, and that includes Rezo's extra bonus for you, Mister Graywords. I would appreciate it if you report down at the base by sunset tonight."

The door jingled, and standing there was a young woman wearing little more than a body-wrapping apron and a maid's cap. I'm about to keel over in realization at how real this is. "Master Graon, the lessons and tailors you requested are all set for tomorrow. I've also begun to run your bath."

"Oh, how perfect. Now we can get the four of you started right away. I think it's time for you all to head down, eh?"

I had secretly hoped that, for once, I could sit at a restaurant in town with Amelia and watch Lina and Gourry gorge themselves, but the sun's already setting. So much for grasping a sliver of sanity before we consign ourselves to Hell. Great.

"Come, come, you have an early start tomorrow, so hurry on down and relax yourselves." With a jaunt, he pulled himself up and headed out the door, grabbing a bathrobe and some soapy substance that I dare not think about along the way. He slowly turned, almost menacingly, and gave us an evil glare...

"...and don't even think about running away and blathering. There _will _be consequences..."

Then he was gone.

That was scary.

...

What have we done...?

* * *

><p><em>Later that night<em>

***psshhh...***

"Why, why, WHY did you threaten me like that, Zel! You're evil, evil, evil! You know that? You nearly marred my delicate skin!"

"Pfft. If I were in the same situation, you'd have probably either Fireballed me or crammed cyanide down my throat. Given the shit that we've been through, I highly doubt that your skin is that delicate, Lina."

"...grrgh! Go to Hell!"

"See you there."

"Gaaah!"

This underground space is actually quite soothing. It's brown all around, but well-lit. The brownness is due to the fact that it's below the ground, and the layout is kind of like a series of small cliffs. At the very base is a large shop with finery; I can only assume that the dancers with money can afford that stuff. On the base cliff is a restaurant, then on the second base is both a small eatery and a tavern, with a grocer at the very end. The next level up has a meeting room in a small square wooden complex, and to the left of it is the sleeping quarters. Where we are now is the bathing area, which is further left of the quarters. There's one large hot bath only, with a washing area sectioned off with wooden stands and flimsy curtains next to it. I asked someone about the bath, and she told me that it's purposely set up that way. Great. A unisex bath. It just_ screams_ awkward.

As of now, we're all taking a shower together.

Wait, no, that came out wrong.

We decided to bathe, and the lady who ran the bath area insisted that we all bathe at the same time. She proposed that it was to make it quicker for more people who needed to rinse off, but I think it's just to make us fluster. To me, bathing nude with Gourry is awkward enough (although, I'm pretty sure _he _didn't care, oblivious as he is). Now it's been taken up to eleven by adding two people of the opposite sex, one a hellish, greedy demon with no sense of respect, the other a hyperactive nut with a large bust line.

There are five sets of four stalls, which is pretty damn disproportionate compared to the massive size of the bath itself. There's hot water with minerals and the like that's good for your skin running down in them like a waterfall. There's a tag and a slip you need to pull and activate it. In each stall is a wooden bucket for soaps and oils for hair, and a sitting stool. I actually think it's soothing, as limited as my sense of touch is. The only thing that's preventing me from enjoying washing my body with my favorite metal brush is Lina's screeching.

"Stupid Zelgadis! I hate you!"

"Hmph."

Gourry was on my left, Amelia to my right. Lina was on Gourry's right, and I could hear her claw away at the rock wall like a spoiled, whiny beast and caterwaul. There are times that I wonder why I ever accepted her companionship in the first place, even if it was for the intention of taking out Rezo.

"Isn't this nice?" I could see from his shadow that he was washing his long mane of hair. "It's just like a waterfall, or a rain storm. And everything gets clean quick! I could get used to this." He flipped his hair away and idly began washing his arms. "Don't you think, Zel?"

"Uhh...sure."

Discreetly, I glanced to my right...from behind the really..._really..._thin curtain, I could see her scrubbing her body. She's using some kind of soap on her arms, and over her brea-

_"Big...breasts...Oh, shit..."_

I am not a pervert...I am _not. _It's not as if I can see her in full, just her shadow!

_"...curvy..."_

STOOOP!

...aside that...that...that...she hasn't said a word. Amelia, what's wrong? Why am I so perturbed when she's upset...?

_"...between her legs..."_

GAH!

_"Lina's figure is nothing like hers..."_

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

Calm down...sound casual...

"...A-Amelia...?"

She grunted in response.

"...you're awfully quiet tonight. Is everything okay?"

She didn't say anything.

"I know this is an awkward situation, and the fact that we're about to work as strippers doesn't appeal to me either, but...we're in this together, right?" God, that was cheesy...

"...yeah, I'm okay. Just a bit nervous, I guess."

"...aren't we all?"

"Uh-huh..."

Sub-conscious speaketh to me again...why?

"You sound unhappy."

I could see her turn away, turning into herself. Twang! I felt something go off in my chest...

"...do you really think he means it?"

"Who?"

"Mister Luo...and his rewards for doing all this."

Ahh...he promised her a reward involving her shaky family relations. No wonder...

"...suppose that I do get that power he has...what can I do then?"

"You use it...to strike intimidation into your relatives, I suppose. But it's not as if Christopher's a powerful fighter, right?"

"Yeah...but that doesn't sound all that appealing. It'd be like tyranny."

"But what if you don't step in?" Ah, I'm an idiot...

I heard her whimper. "...I just want my family to rule normally and do what they do. Why can't they accept the fact that they have great power already? It isn't just my immediate family, Mister Zelgadis. It doesn't matter that Saillune prospers and will probably recover from these hard times without incident. The power behind it is..."

Sniffles...oh, shit, what do I do? What do I...

...

...huh...

_"Who'd have thought that she and I are so alike...? We've been betrayed by those we loved...even though she has a father, there's still many others out there who are...oh..."_

"Amelia...hey, hey, don't cry...it's gonna be okay, Amelia..."

Big mistake.

That curtain was flimsier than I thought.

...how the hell did I grab it? Before I knew it, it ripped from the wooden beam and fell to the floor!

_"~~!"_

"Wha-!"

...

There it was.

The curtain flopped to the ground.

...

. . . . . .

. . . . . . . . .

"..._she's naked."_

_"She's naked...naked...and wet...wet...breasts...big...breasts..."_

_..._

_"She's...just...staring...at me...look at how pink her cheeks are...not just her cheeks..."_

_"...dark tuft...between...her..."  
><em>

Oh my God...there is a naked girl sitting in front of me. A naked, curvy girl with...big...boobs. A naked girl who happens to be a _princess. _A naked, attractive girl bathing beneath a (fake) waterfall. A naked...curvacious...busty...toned...milky-skinned...raven-haired...wet...young woman..."

_"Don't look down, Zelgadis, don't look-"_

...shit.

But...she's staring back at me! Why is she staring back? Why isn't she running away screaming? Why have I not been called a perverted beast yet? Why am I not clutching my groin in pain? At least that big bottle of oil is hiding my-

"...oh my..."

_"'Oh my?' Is that all she can say!"_

Her eyes are wider than dinner plates. I wonder...where is she looking...? But...this is my fault, so...

"Ah...ahh...Amelia...I'm..."

I needed some modesty...I turned inward, shifting in my seat...

***_shiff-*_**

_"FUCK-!"_

The oil bottle fell on the floor.

"EYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

_***BAM!***_

_"Ouch."_

Yeah, I think that she saw my partial erection that was probably growing (or not, it's hard to tell with the golem nullifying my senses). Yeah, I think that she got the picture, she has a right to screech in fright and whack me in the face with a large wooden bucket. I'm not going to object to this one, I mean, if I were a girl and saw that, I'd have probably done the same thing...

But God! What a body!

But she'll probably hate me for this, even if it was an accident...

But still! What lovely breasts...

But now she won't talk to me...

But still! Her nipples are such a lovely shade of pink!

...did I really just think that?

And was it my imagination, or did I see a scar on her back? I wonder how she got it...

Still...who knew that her face was so delicate and cute, or that her hair was so shiny? Somehow, her wet hair makes her look more lady-like...

Gourry and Lina haven't said a thing this entire time, which is making this all the weirder. I'm expecting something bloody and Dragon Slave-ish in a few seconds...

"...Zel? You slip and hit your head?" I heard Gourry ask.

"...uhh...no...I'm okay, just...uh...stubbed my toe..."

"Okaaay~! Be careful!"

_"...uhh...perky much?"_

I could see him toss his hair back and sigh. "Ahh...it's as if we aren't going to spend tomorrow learning to degrade ourselves," I heard him say, a bit too cheerily for my taste. "Who knows? Maybe it'll be fun."

...really?

"I have to ask you, Gourry," I began. "Why did you want to do this, anyway? When Luo wanted to propose something to you, you jumped the shark and agreed to do it. He didn't second-guess you, but what can he possibly offer you? I didn't hear him offer anything to you. You...don't seem to have a problem with this. If you don't mind my asking..."

Gourry fell silent. He drooped down, and I could hear him sigh. He pulled the tab that made the water fall, grabbed his towel, and left without a word.

Huh.

What could it be?

Maybe...

"Gourry...what is up with you?" I heard Lina ask to herself solemnly. "Why'd you..."

He was gone...I glanced over my other shoulder and saw that Amelia was gone too.

"Hmm. I can't deal with this. I'm going in. Good night, Zel." I heard Lina say. She, too, was gone in a moment.

Alone again...

_"...what's gonna happen? What am I gonna do? What's in this for me? Will the truth...really come out?"_

There's nothing I can do now but sit and sink. At least there's water washing over me...

_"...someone help me..."_

* * *

><p>I need a drink.<p>

For this bath, I grabbed a bottle of malted whiskey and some ale - no, I don't mix them dummy, I just need one of each. This bath will be far more soothing with them. Maybe I'll die from all the alcohol and get out of this stripper thing. Then again, that wouldn't be very courteous, would it? After all...

She's over there.

God...

As if this wasn't awkward enough.

This wide bath has _some_ rocks, at least. She's on the other side, half-asleep if her soft breathing says something. Good God, what can I say to her? After all, she practically saw-

_"Holy shit, she saw me with a woody. We were getting along so well, too. Maybe we can find a chess board and play at some point again..."_

Makes me think...

...what do I think of her...?

She's my...friend.

Friend...

"...Ame..."

I found a glass in the restaurant and poured a whiskey in it. It's colored like dark wood. Ah, that's good stuff...

"Amelia..."

I heard shifting on the other side. She sounds flustered. "Y-yes...?" A splash. "Mister Zelgadis? Is...that you?"

She sounds awfully mousey. How to approach this..."I have some drinks from the restaurant. Do you want one?"

A brief silence. "...what kind of drinks?"

"Ah...some ale, and a bottle of whiskey...err..."

"I don't know. I've never really had alcohol before. Uhm..."

Oh, great. Just be tender, Graywords. "Really?" _"Idiot."_

"Ah, well, I had a glass of champagne at my aunt's wedding. It was nice. Some wine, maybe. Not whiskey, or ale, or anything like that though."

"Oh." Be nice, be nice... "Would you like to try?"

"Ummm...can I try the ale?"

"Sure, sure. Here." I poured some in a smaller glass and drifted over to her. "Here..." Carefully I put the glass up above the rocks, head turned away. "It's a little bitter, but, who knows? Give it a try."

I could sense apprehension in her voice. Shyly she reached out and grabbed the cold glass. I could feel her fingers on mine...wow...

"Thank you," she said cordially. I turned around slowly to find her head and her shoulders, but nothing else (thank goodness). She stared at the drink as if it were a foreign something. She dipped her finger inside and spun the ice around a little. "Hmm..."

I poked my head up a little, but kept the rest of myself behind the rocks. "Just have a sip. It's really good, I promise."

She looked down and took a sip. I saw her face scrunch. "Hmmm..."

"Hey, that's okay, it's not the end of the world..."

"It is bitter, but it's a nice bitter...thank you Mister Zelgadis..." She smiled weakly and turned around, sipping. "Oh, and Mister Zelgadis?"

"Y-Yes?"

She dropped her head. "I'm sorry I hit you. Are you in any pain?"

Oh, great...this is..."No, no, it's all right. Ah...I kind of deserved it...eh heh heh heh..."

"Um, sure..."

This is _not_ working. If we're going to get through this, all the tension in the air needs to get cleared. It's obvious that she has something great at stake along with me. Who knows? If what Luo is offering is real, then all of her familial hardships might just cool down. Really, I never realized until recently how many burdens she had on her shoulders. With all of her gallavanting it's hard to remember that she's the princess of a great nation. And, yes, I forget sometimes that she...kind of understands where I come from. There was always that connection between us, but I brood about it, while she looks for that light at the end of the tunnel. I guess it's raising and habit. So, no matter how awkward this is...

"Amelia, look, I want to apologize."

"What?"

I took a gulp of whiskey and continued. "For earlier, in the shower area...if I, you know, uh, well - "

She cut me off. "It's fine, really. It was an accident, I'm sure. Thank you though."

No choice. "Amelia, listen to me. I just wanted to apologize so we can get through this tomorrow. I said it earlier, didn't I? I wanted to clear the air with you so you can get that tome, and I can get my cure. I don't want to do this alone."

I heard her drink. She sounds sad... "Mister Zelgadis..."

"We're friends, aren't we? Good friends. I want us to survive through this together. Yes, Lina and Gourry too, but...heh, you a little more, I guess..."

"...really?"

"Yes, yes Amelia."

Silence...but I could hear her giggle. Thank goodness...

"...that would be awesome, Mister Zelgadis. I'm glad."

I could see her drift closer to the rocks. A sprig of plum-colored hair popped from behind the rocks. "Uhh, are you...decent?"

"Err..." I crawled over quietly and positioned myself enough to have most of my body be obscured by the rocks. "Yeah..."

Slowly she popped her head up, and I was greeted by a gently-smiling young woman with lovely wet hair and flushed cheeks. Oi. "Mister Zelgadis..."

She grabbed my hand and opened her eyes. They were filled with a tenderness that was rare insofar as it was both genuine and brave. "For all that's good and just, we'll get through this...we'll...dance our way to the top! That's it. Just keep on dancing, and then, when it's all over, we'll put Luo Graon in his place!"

I couldn't help but grin. "Damn straight!"

And so it was, an agreement to take this on...it would be long, but maybe...and then...

"I think you're pretty."

_"...why did I say that? I had no reason to say that...!"_

She was as red as a tomato, as red as when she saw my male parts. "Oh...uhm..."

"Err, sorry, I -"

"No, no, that's...all well and good."

I glanced at her, and for a moment I saw a wicked gleam in her eye. I shrunk back behind the rocks, waiting to see what would happen...and lo and behold, before my eyes the second princess of Saillune smiled, got up, ale in hand, and walked out of the bath without a care. I couldn't see all of her, but - wait, why is she swinging her hips like that? Is...is that a mole on her bu-

_"GAAAAAAAWWWWWD!"_

"Good night, Mister Zelgadis! Hee hee!"

Alone again...at least the air's cleared. I think...

_"...wow."_

* * *

><p><em>The next day...<em>

Well, this is it. Today, our "studies" begin. Today, we're going to learn about the dark world of stripping.

It isn't just dance moves that we're learning. We're learning about the types of clothes that we need to wear and about other "kinks" that we can use. Yes, this is going to be very enthralling, I'm sure.

The four of us are all in "uniform," pink-faced, and sitting in the middle of a dance hall above the housing quarters. Luo, the Rezo statue, and the lady in the apron were all there. In the middle of this lovely, wooden hall are two large dancing poles. On a cart nearby are many sets of clothing being pushed by someone.

"Hey, look..." Gourry pointed at the person pushing the cart. I glanced over at her, and I nearly fell over in shock.

It was that little girl from the streets. I gave her a fishing line and some food. She was still wearing that filthy tunic and that smile. Her cat was right behind her.

How awful. How could he do this? I could smash that man's head in right now!

"Before we begin, I will have Rezo give you a brief history about our dancing group," said Luo. Why do we have to hear this? For the next half hour, my dear great-grandfather droned on about whores, dancers, bondage kings and queens, and lewd tales of "glory." I think I want to rip my ears off.

_"Before you actually begin to dance, you need to learn basic dancer's moves and techniques to enhance it. You must practice those, and then you will integrate them into your dancing. Let's start with learning how to use some...special tools." _Statue-Rezo shifted towards the door, and the four of us saw the shadow of a curly-haired woman...

_***SNAP!***_

Oh, shit...

The woman had a whip.

She wore leather and a tiara, and had a spark of danger in her eye.

_"Oh GOD no..."_

* * *

><p><strong>FOOTNOTES<strong>

* The name's all made up, but Clement is one of several exclusive titles that can be awarded to a Pope.

* Shazard Lugandy appeared in the _Slayers Special _OVA, and the creator of the Shadow Reflector item. His status as a member of the Five Great Sages is ambiguous, but the rumor's been spread about.

* The reference is to a side-story featuring Zelgadis. The woman is Miranda, a young woman disguised as a male bounty hunter, and together they run into another chimera. The story ends with her running an inn waiting for him.

* A type of brothel that contains a hot spring and centers around baths and soap.

* Bric-a-brac is a collection of old antiques, usually vases, flowers, and statuettes, that are often cluttered together and used as decoration for a mantel or shelf.


End file.
